well i don’t know if this had to do with anything.  but i was talking to my ex still via messenger.  apparently i’m still how  i was.  Needy and clingy(which you all pretty much told me).  She told me i’m still saying one thing and doing another and we can’t be friends.  Then blocked me.  I guess i don’t know how to not talk to her without telling her how i feel.  very frustrating.  To top it off, my girlfriend found out and read some of the messages.  There was nothing bad, but the fact that i was still talking to her upset my girlfriend pretty bad.   She is still sticking it out though.  I really wish that i could freaking let go of my ex.  It still hurts everyday.  I think it hurts most knowing that she is with another guy that has a lot of traits that i do.  Except for being needy.

my girlfriend messaged my ex.  And my ex told her that i was insecure and became overbearing and controlling.  She said i have a good heart, but i have issues.

What’s funny (not haha funny) is that i wasn’t that way for a long time, until she started to pull away from me when she was dealing with all of her other shit in her life.  I know it’s my fault for being like that, and i knew that i was getting that way when i was, but i couldn’t help it.  I just made things worse and still did.  even after and we started first talking again, i think i became too needy again and should of kept my feelings inside and “played the game”. Looking back, when ever i did bring up to her how much i did love her, she even told me it was a little hard to take.  God, why couldn’t of i just backed off.  I know what you have all told me, maybe it was a big thing to do with abandonment and when she did pull away, i panicked and smothered her instead of being my own man and letting her be.

I still do love her.  I’m still in love with her.  I really don’t feel like that will ever end.

on the other side my girlfriend and I are doing are best to work through this.  I love her too, i’m not in love with her like  I was my ex.  Bought i’m hoping that will change with time.  She is  a good woman and wants nothing but for us to be happy.

I’m really trying to stop thinking about my ex.  It’s so tough though.  It was a year yesterday since she went to that wedding and when everything changed between us.  It’s crazy to me how i can still feel this way about her.  I would still do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up.  I would give my soul if i could.  I feel so pathetic and weak.  I want to be a strong confident  man again, now i feel so insecure.

I feel so messed up.  In the back of my head, no matter what my ex says or does that someday we will meet again and things will be good. I really wish i could just forget.  It plagues me so bad every single day.  I still cry on occasion.  I’m trying to listen and practice what you all have told me.  it’s hard, though.  So hard.  when you heart aches so much and knowing that you caused it and possibly had an opportunity to change it and then made things worse.  I feel incapable of being able to love like i should with anyone but my ex.

I’m not trying to be dramatic, just telling you all how i feel.

I am afraid that i may have made the wrong decision with my girlfriend.  I read an article about getting over your ex.  And one of the things was to fantasize about the perfect woman, someone that I really want.  Looks, profession, hobbies, habits, ect.  Then only look for that person.  With my girlfriend there are things that hold me back.  Her having kids 24/7, she isn’t really established with her career and struggles, and she isn’t the exact body type that I desire.  But we do click good and get a long good.  I hope that can get past those things.  I’m going to stick it out and make the best of it, if it does’t work, then i will move on.

Ugh!, i feel like a douche though.