Hi anita

I hope you’re having a nice weekend?

I went out for the day to a theme park with my friends yesterday – I found out that I don’t tolerate rides as well as I used to when I was in my 20’s! It was a very good day and I felt very happy for the most part, however, my mind did keep wandering off to my ex partner. I knew he was at his friend’s charity boxing match yesterday and he had originally invited me along to whilst we were together (before he did a U-turn and ended it). I found myself wondering what he was up to at the charity evening and I really wished I could have been there with him and that things were different. This made me feel so sad, which has continued to linger all of today and made me feel a heaviness again. I have been trying to fight reminiscing of the happier times and ignore how I felt in those times, but my mind just wanted to go back for today. So I let it have it’s place in the moment and had a good cry. Thoughts of my termination also come up which I also cried for. I feel a bit lighter after letting it all out and I am hoping that I can refocus on the present from tomorrow again.

Why do we tend to focus so much on the person who hurts us and disappoints/walks away from us? I am thinking that it is part of the grieving and healing process. Letting go and acceptance of what is, is very hard for me to do. Although I feel this situation has happened in order to make me grow emotionally and spiritually. I cannot help but miss him and how I felt around him, despite it being a short relationship , he had a profound effect on me and I was ready and willing to progress our connection more deeply. Some people just have an effect on your entire being and shake your world up. Unrequited affection and feelings are so painful. I’m planning on writing an unsent letter to him where I write down everything I feel and want to say to him. It will be like a journal / letter that I do not send. I’m hoping it will help me release more.

Having faith and putting trust into uncertainty and the unknown outcomes is a huge challenge for me to tackle. It has been a coping and protective method for me for so many years, to try and take control of situations so that I feel safe. It hasn’t worked though as I’ve been hit with the harsh reality that you cannot control everything, especially other people’s feelings towards you. No matter how much you wish it were different. If only I could see the bigger perspective outside of my grief.