Hey Anita,

I hope you had a good weekend.

Thank you for your reply, I agree with most of what you have to say aside from one thing, its a subtle point but important.

You suggest I was unloved as a child: it is true there were times when I was rejected and I was not treated with love. You say – when a child feels this pain once they feel it forever. The child’s sense of time it not like our sense of time and it feels like forever. My parents didn’t love me once – and as a five year old this ‘once’ becomes forever.

However its also true that there were times when I was loved by my parents. As humans, they are not perfect. I think this is probably closer to the truth than “My parents never loved me.” The ‘stubborn fantasy’ is that my parents were perfect. The expectation of continual unconditional love is the fantasy. The pain of multiple rejections (which, to the child mind, were forever) is still very real and very valid and needs to be honored.

It is important to recognize this: I have a good relationship with my parents now. Sometimes they piss me off, push my buttons. However there is no doubt that they love me and support me now. That is in the only way they know how – and sometimes, that is not what I need at that moment- I can see why I developed the neurosis and sore points that I did. I can see that they are both wounded also, and they are making the best of a life that challenges them as well.

This is the middle path and one that appropriately serves my needs as an adult.

Since writing this thread, I’ve made an effort to talk about my anxieties and feelings with my friends more, in the past I very very rarely discussed my emotional life and romantic relationships. My friends have given me love, support and understanding. Validated me. This experience has been healing.

I texted this guy and asked to meet so we would talk in person (this argument all happened over text message, which is embarrassing.) He has written back but I am sitting with this anxious feeling and training myself to tolerate it. When I read his message, I will not react but I will respond. This means waiting for the anxiety to subside before I write back- waiting a day or so.

If we meet, while I do not expect us to ‘fix’ the problem and get back together, I do hope that I can be honest and vulnerable with him. (To a degree: there is a point where I think I will just trigger myself into more relational anxiety or avoidance.)
My hope is that we can meet and understand one another better. Last time we meet to discuss a relational issue the outcome was positive, we both left feeling energized and refreshed. He said he was proud of us both. I will remind him of this if he is hesitant to meet and explain the goal is of understanding one another. I will stand my ground because this is important to me.

With metta,

Feathering

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Feathering my nest.