Chris, John & Prash,

Thank you so much for the insight.

I think the main advice from yourselves is to face the trauma head on. Now rationally I realise that this is the best thing to do, however realistically it is proving very difficult. When the particular event occurred I shut it out of my brain completely so not to hurt those closest to me by seeing me hurt. Almost like I had to put on a brave face to support others who may be feeling my pain for me. Like you all mentioned, the feelings of loss and grief caught up with me very quickly and I found myself spiralling into such a dark place that I did think of the ultimate end. That scared me, a lot. And so a coping mechanism to get back to that place has been ignoring the event all together.

Now that’s not to say I haven’t thought about it at all, I do, every single day. I just try and shake the thoughts out of my head as soon as they appear so I don’t spiral again.

It seems impossible right now to face those feelings as I am fearful of the repercussions of this.

I have applied to a counselling programme to help me deal with this trauma but unfortunately have been put on a 3 month waiting list, so I am still waiting for this.

I realise that the event has caused me to become someone I completely don’t recognise. I find myself triggered by the littlest of things. I am no longer a trusting person. I have completely closed myself off from my family and friends and most of the time just prefer to be in my own company. Yes I lost a dear one, my relationship, my job but I also lost the woman that I was in the process. Everything that I was so sure of about myself has gone out of the window and this new woman, I don’t know who she is or what she is about, she is broken.

I am hoping that my counselling sessions help once I eventually get access to those however in the meantime I would like to practice anything to help my own self in the healing process as it is eating me up and not allowing me to function properly.

Prash – you ask what steps I have taken so far for my healing. If I’m honest, I’ve tried to take all the advice previously given and keep myself occupied, start a new hobby (gym), try to go on with life – it hasn’t worked. I’ve been reading loads of self-help books but if I’m honest it sounds all like intelligent mumbo jumbo which I can’t apply to my life. It is nice reading it, but it is a different thing trying to apply it to your own life. The main roadblock that I have faced to my recovery is my ex partner. He and his family played a major part in the traumatic event. He is aware of this and I suppose is somewhat trying to make amends and with that he has contacted me twice in the attempt to reconcile and help me through the healing process. He basically can’t bare to see what I am going through despite the fact that he caused it and knew full well what he was doing while it was happening. But despite my rational mind knowing that this is hindering my progress, as we say the heart wants what it wants and so I tend to cave in to the idea of a reconciliation with him. However, when we are together now all of the feelings of hurt and betrayal arise again, there is an awful lot of resentment and anger towards him and his family for allowing this event to happen in the first place. For breaking me this way.

I have done some reading into forgiveness. I realise that to forgive doesn’t mean I have to excuse the behaviour of those that did me wrong. Rather, it is just giving myself the peace of mind to not allow those feelings to control me – I’m trying to work on this as we speak but again, proving very difficult as I am struggling to accept that this has actually happened to me.

Essentially it feels like I’m going around in circles with all these emotions that I cant quite accept or deal with. I cannot accept that this event has been a part of my life and I do feel like it will have a major effect on my future.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me, it means the world right now! I am most welcoming of any further ideas/advice on how I can move on from this.