Well, i had a pretty good weekend.  My girlfriend and I went out together friday night, then pretty much did nothing the rest of the weekend but laid in bed together and fed the kids.

It was nice to have a weekend like that for a change.  It feel like there has always been something every weekend since she moved in.

I really didn’t think about my ex until last night when my girlfriend went to work.  And of coarse today.  Today is the first day of contact between my ex and I two years ago.  Our anniversary of physically meeting is in two days and anniversary of her leaving my is in 4 days.  So this may be a tough week.

I’ve been really mulling over a lot in my head.  there are some things that Anita told me early on about not knowing how she really felt.  I was thinking about how much  my girlfriend now loves me and how I’m not on the same page as her.  I know i’m not.  I do love her, but I could walk away.  It would hurt but i could.

That was something that my ex used to tell me once in a while.  That if it was too much, and i couldn’t do it (because of all her drama) that she would understand if i left.  It would hurt, but she would be fine.

Makes me kind of see things a little clearer.  Like she did love me and was in love with me, however.  Very likely nothing like how I was in love with her.

I was so blinded by how much I loved her that any little thing she did for me, i saw as something amazing.

I still do feel deep in my heart if i have been able to just breathe with her and take it easy, instead of forcing everything and demanding so much attention that things very well might have worked out.  It was like i went from a care free guy that she had fun with and could just be with and then i became this insecure guy that made her feel guilty, made our time together stressful because i was worrying about when she was going home, needed approval for everything I did, and smothering and controlling her.

Its really something else to really start to see all of this.  I mean really start to see it.  I’ve said it before until i was blue in the face, but i’ve never really seen it until now.  It was like i was trying so hard, that I felt if i didn’t show her every minute of every day she would leave.  A good example is in September I ordered a coffee mug for her that when it got hot the words appeared on it.  saying something about how wonderful she is, amazing girlfriend, blah, blah, blah.  I happened to received it the weekend she was at the wedding and gave it to her when I picked her up.  then the next day i was blowing her up asking if she used it yet and could read it.  It was like i turned into this obsessive guy you would see in the movies.  I was a freak.  I seriously lost my shit.   No wonder she left me.  Who can go through a relationship where the other person is constantly looking for approval and attention over every little thing.

It’s just amazing to me how bad i did become.  She always told me i only hear what i wanted to.  How true is that!!  I re read some of our text messages from after were broke up.  She was explaining to me why it ended.  It was like i was reading them for the first time.  I really read them, not just seeing bits and pieces of them.  I got so bullheaded and egotistical.  Like ” theres nothing wrong with me, what the hell”  That’s how I felt.

I don’t think i’ll ever get over the regret of not seeing how i changed and who i became.  It’s a real shame.  We did have something beautiful.  What’s funny is that our entire relationship, i always felt like the universe was against us.  It always felt like there was something there making it harder then it should of been to see each other.  Either the weather, or family issues, or work.  Always something in the way.

God i really did love her with my soul though.  So hard to get past that.

As for now.  Well, i am focusing on my girlfriend.  I really do want this to work out.  It is hard not to compare and think of what could of been.  It’s so opposite from my ex.  With my ex.  we both had freedom, we both were doing good financially, we both loved a lot of the same things and had the same hobbies, we both did things together all the time.

With my girlfriend, now we are  both tight on money, we don’t have any freedom(or so it feels), we hardly ever get to do anything together (we still haven’t been able to have an overnight trip together without kids or anything), and we don’t do a lot together because of her work schedule.

When we do have time together though, it is nice.

why is the brain and heart so freaking screwed up.

well, that’s it for now, thanks for listening.  I’m really just trying to think about today and not tomorrow or yesterday.  It is hard though.  I still have those moments when i think, maybe in another year or two….  somehow we will meet again and reignite that spark we had… I hate it when i think like that.