Anita, reading that, i may have exaggerated.  It wasn’t until the end that i was really waiting like that.  Before the last month or two, she did text and call me all the time.  She would call me every day on her way to work, on lunch, on her way home and before bed.  And we texted all day long everyday.  She was always sending me selfies and things like that.  It wasn’t until her boy was in the picture that things really started to change.

She always felt guilty and that she was a failure for getting a divorce when she did.  Her oldest boy told her that she ruined his high school years because of it.  I think because of that it caused her to be controlled in a way by him.  He could of asked her to do anything and she would of without hesitation or thought of consequence.  Which is what a parent should do for their child, but when your child is 19 and own his own making his own decisions, he should be responsible for those decisions.  She would always cover his ass.  Whether it was housing costs, or whatever.

She and him were fighting a lot when things started to get rough for us.  She kept telling me she was done being a doormat for him and that this was it!  But then the next time she saw him, yet again she would bend over backwards and he would treat her like crap.

I think that was another one of the bigger things that caused problems for us.  It was very hard for me to sit idly by and watch this, watch her get hurt and used like that.  When she would talk to me about it, i would make suggestions(just trying to help), and I think she saw it as me trying to control her or the situation.

I know there are a million different things that caused our end.  But one thing I do know for sure is that when we first stated dating, he lived at home for the first month and a half.  And that made it kind of difficult for us.  It was always about him.  Then he moved about 3 hours away to go to school.  That’s when our relationship really took off and became amazing.  It was in the end of our relationship, he had some court shit to deal with, which again he left it all on her and she took care of everything, scheduling, money, lawyer, all of that.  Then after that was done is when he told her he was going into the marines and didn’t want me to go with them on their family trip to her brothers wedding.  Again, she bent to his wants, instead of standing up herself.  For me seeing that and feeling like i was never going to be seen as a #1 in her life, caused me to get insecure and even resentful of him.  I always supported her decisions though.  I just didn’t have a good poker face about it, so she could see in my eyes and hear in my voice that i was hurt.

Sorry, off track here.  My point is that our relationship was wonderful the whole time, it was only when his name came up that drama and stress came about.  I know i handled my end poorly.  I should have just been there for her to lean on and kept my mouth shut and just asked her what she needed from me, instead of trying to fix the situation and trying to force time with her when she needed that time to deal with other shit.

It was seriously the best year of my life being with her.  Hands down.  I really was happy, almost every day.  My friends would even ask me “who are you?  who is this guy? ”  because of how happy and carefree i was.

Then when all the drama started with her son, and i got pushed aside.  I didn’t know how to handle it and crumbled when i should of been stronger than ever before.  I will have a hard time ever forgiving myself for that.  There were so many times when she was hurting, and we missed a weekend together because of him.  All i did was be depressed and make things worse by making her feel like she was hurting me too, instead of supporting her and telling her, “take as much time as you need, i’m not going anywhere” and enjoying my life with my friends or hobbies when she was dealing with all of this.  I made so many critical mistakes durning that short period.  I can see them all now clear as day.  it absolutely kills me, because i know if i would of handled myself better and not been so selfish and needy, that when all that was over, things would have gotten back to the way they were.  In fact, if we could of lasted another month, he would of been deployed and that drama would have been done.

It’s mistakes and things like that that make it very hard for me.  Very hard to ever be able to forgive myself.  I know i need to use that experience for my future, but it’s hard not to think about how much of this is my fault and if i would of handled myself differently and quit over thinking everything how much better the results would have been.

I  do know my love for her is everlasting and eternal.  I know right now, i don’t think i could turn her away if she were to want to try again, which is unfair and wrong since i am in a relationship with another woman I do love.   It’s very hard to explain this.  I don’t understand it so how could anyone else.

So yes last night was a little rough, especially since i missed a photo on my phone and with the most recent update it showed me memories.  It was one of her at a car show we went to in the summer.  She looked really freaking good in it two.

I cannot wait for the day that pictures like that don’t bother me.  That i can see a photo like that and think” that was a fun time, but i’m happy now without her”

I hope that happens to me someday.

thanks again for listening.  got to get to work…