Anita, yes there are a million songs about this feeling.  I know, i have a lot of them in my playlist i made up when everything went down hill.  “AMAZED” is a good one that describes exactly how I felt.

I am learning a lot.  So much that it kills me.  I feel like i’m learning that i am all the reasons she left, because of my jealousy, need to be center of attention, need to be noticed, and not being there for her when she needed( is still made it about me).  An example about that is the night she found out her sone was going into the marines.  It was a work night and I was talking to her on the phone.  I kept telling her if she needed me, i would head down there.  She finally said yes.  So i packed up clothes for the night, and took off.  I got to her house about 11:00 PM. (mind you, i had to work at 7AM an hour and 1/2 away, so this part was me being there for her).  Well after I got there i listened to her, but instead of just listening to her vent and cry, I tried to fix it.  I was trying to tell her what to do and how it’s going to be.  All she needed was me to hold her and listen to her, and I didn’t.  To top it off, i started to make it about me.  I told her about the song “all of me” I heard on the radio, and made her listen to it because it described how i felt about her.  GOD!  what a douche i was.  I totally took advantage of the situation and turned it on me.  I can only imagine how many other times that i did this unknowingly??  One of the things she did tell me after we were done, is that it was always about me.  I was blown away!  I thought, that’s bullcrap!  I was always there for you, doing for you and your boys.   I didn’t know what she meant or how she came up with that until now.  Really hurts to learn that about yourself.  Hurts to see everything so clearly and know there is nothing that can be done now.  all things that if i would of known, or she could of told me straight out, face to face, blunt, hurtful if need be.  Maybe I could of changed my ways sooner before it was too late.  It really does hurt learning all that about yourself.

“This woman was not like your mother, she was like a good, loving, embracing mother. There is a difference.

If you managed  to reunite with her, the woman  we are talking  about, you would still be  jealous of her son, or of someone else she  may attend to. The competition would  have continued. It would  feel good until this or that happens, and you will be waiting for this or that to be  over so that you will have her  again, all to yourself.”

Honestly.  I don’t know how i would be.  Part of me likes to think that I have learned enough to catch myself from being that way and just be supportive and patient.  Yet, part of me would be longing to see her whenever I could like i am now.  So who knows.

“What goes up, must come down. So, John, if this is what you felt, it might have just been an extended, really strong honeymoon phase.”

yes, i do agree with this.  It was like a longer honeymoon phase.  I really feel like this would’nt of went away though.  We would of had our moments, but the feelings that we had…  Would of overcame those moments.  Unfortunately, i was too much of a coward to bring up those moments.  When she did put me on the back burner or flake out on me after a promise.  I should of expressed how i really felt and told her that that is not okay to keep doing that or whatever, instead of avoiding conflict like I did.  To make an omelette you need to break eggs right?  Well I never did.  There was only once or twice I told her how I really felt, in the beginning.  Whats funny is when i did, things were better after.  Then i got so attached and afraid, that i quit.  I was like a little kid in a lot of ways.  Jealous, afraid, timid, passive aggressive.    WOW!  A thought just now hit me.  I was thinking about my girlfriends daughter, she is 9 and a princess.  Whenever she doesn’t get her way or things work out how she wants, she gets a crappy attitude and is like “fine, i won’t do this anyways!!” or just pouts the whole time.  That is exactly how i started to behave.  In the beginning, I was all good with things.  Like, “Cool, i have other stuff i can do anyways. talk to you soon”.  Over time, it became a thing where I would just pout and be alone, intentionally not doing anything, trying to prove a point or make her feel guilty.  Just like a child would.  OMG!  I’m really feeling like an idiot now.  More so than before.

She once told me, that she hopes when her boys grow up, they are like me.  That I am the man she wants her sons to become.  That was the nicest thing anyone has ever told me in my life.  At that point in time, i was a good man.  I put her needs ahead of mine.  I really don’t know where, when or why it all went wrong.  I don’t understand what turned me from an understanding, patient, confident man to a child.  Man this really sucks learning all of this.  It’s good for me, but really hurts.

“when we were near each other, we were drawn together like magnets, just always wanting to be hugging or just connected in some way, even just holding hands, for 2 straight years. And he felt like “home” to me. I felt extremely comfortable, relaxed, safe, warm, protected, calm. Other boyfriends have made me feel some of those things but never to the extreme extent all together to where it literally just felt like I was home and all was right with the world.”

YES YES YES YES!!!  It was freaking crazy.  Seriously, it was like there was no place in the world i would rather be when i was with her.   Having that kind of feeling is amazing.  I never ever experienced something like that before.

“Now if that feeling SCARES someone, then that fear (of either the feeling or the loss of it) might have to do with an attachment issue with a parent.”

I don’t know if it scared her.  Like It was becoming too much of a reality and she knew she couldn’t give me the commitment i was needing.  I do know it scared the crap out of me  thinking about losing it.  Ironically, that’s what caused me to lose it.  The more scared i got, the more I held back and bit my tongue and the more needy and pushy i got(like a child not getting there way).  UGH!!! HINDSIGHT!!!!  I hate  this so much.  It feels like the worst lesson on myself ever.

It feels like, “Here is love in all its glory”, now “here is what it’s like to lose that because you weren’t ready”  Too bad for you!

“None of us know what will happen in the future, but if we really want to experience that feeling again, we have to believe it will come after we’ve done some self-improvement and are ready to hold it gently this time.”

The future isn’t written.  I know that, but at the same time i don’t.  Like i keep telling myself, “if i do this or that” then she will come around again.  I need to just let go and let it be, and if we do cross paths again, then maybe it will happen, or maybe I will bond and grow with my girlfriend i have now and it will be amazing or even more amazing.  I can’t look into the future, maybe that’s why i look at the past so much.

All this talk about holding on gently and songs and things.  There were two songs i heard right after we broke up that really hit hard.  one is ” Hold on Loosely” by  38 special.  I heard that and it was like a bell went off in my head.  Like DUH!  I couldn’t do that.  I squeezed so tight, she couldn’t breathe!!  The other is “boys of summer” by Don Henly.  Every time i hear that song.  I think of her.

God i really do love that woman.  I do hope that someday i can just be happy that i had that feeling before, and not have remorse and pain from pushing it a way and killing the love she had for me….