Dear anita,

have a good time away from the computer!

I also talked to my best friend about it and I showed her what I wrote to him. She thinks that it’s weird that I am so open to him all the time, while he is not. And that it is a little impolite on his part not to respond. And she doesn’t think that it sounded crazy and that it’s good that I was so open about everything. And that I was being very clear. i feel a little bit calmer now.

It is true that it is not so polite of him not to respond… I will wait until writes again and not send another message again. And I will try to think about something else and not to worry so much.

But it also made me think: why am I so open about what I think, when he is not? I always get the feeling that I don’t know what he thinks. But maybe I’m also telling him too much about me and about my weak spots.

Today (before he wrote) I talked to my therapist about boundaries. She said maybe I open my doors to people and step over my own boundaries before they can do it. I don’t know what to think about it.

Regarding your question: I don’t think that sex is his sole decision to make. In theory I know a lot of things. But then, in practice, it’s hard to stick to my resolutions. I try to please people, make them happy. I even disregard my own wellbeing for them. Once I even had sex with K. shortly after my bladder infection. when I wasn’t feeling completely o.k. again. In hindsight I can’t understand myself. What am I so afraid of? We tried to discuss it in therapy today, but it’s hard for me to find an answer. Why do I always want to fulfill the expectations of others?

Maybe it has something to do with my parents disregarding my needs and wishes as a child…

I think that when it comes to sex, every party involved should have equal rights. Both can say no at any moment, even if they already got naked or have gone even further. In my opinion, it’s best to talk about everything before having sex. Talk about what you want or don’t want, about contraception, maybe even take an std test together. It’s best to get to know each other before having sex.

But in my two experiences with men I completely disregarded my values and rushed into it. Why?? I think with my ex, I first just wanted to try out what it is like to have sex. I was also worried about being almost 30 and having no romantic or sexual experiences. It was an experiment that went completely wrong. Maybe it was also some self- destructive tendencies. And this ex was also not the nicest person and used me…

Wit K. I understand myself even less. He always asked: “are you o.K.?” and said that he can wait. But still, my need to please another person was so strong that I ignored my own feelings.

I feel very confused and it’s probably confusing to read too! Sorry! Thank you for your patience and for your offer to help me understand things better.