Dear anita,

I’m glad to read that you are fine, I hope you are more refreshed today 🙂

At the moment I’m trying to improve my life, but it’s only going slow. But better going slow then being stuck, right?

Today I felt like I was unproductive again. But at least I kept on drawing, even if I didn’t feel like it. Not much came out of it though. I still have problems with cutting out the things that distract me.

Yes, I want to become an illustrator (even though sometimes I doubt myself). I need to work harder to achieve my career goals and to take better care of myself. I feel like everybody else works so much harder than me. But I also want to make a contibution to society or be useful in some way.

Dear anita,

I hope I can find a way to make a contribution someday, but at the moment I’m still struggling to support myself. Sometimes I feel so useless 🙁

Today this guy (o.K. let’s call him K., because it seems weird to always write “this guy”) wrote and asked if we can meet tomorrow. I would like to meet him very much, but I also got an eye infection at the moment. Two years ago I had herpes zoster and my eye was affected too. Since then, it sometimes surfaces when I’m stressed. So I wrote him that and that I would love to meet him, but that I can’t shake his hand and we would better be careful. I wrote we could talk or go for a walk and explained the situation. And I also wrote, that I would understand if he doesn’t feel comfortable meeting me even though I would really like to see him. He didn’t respond and then went offline… Maybe he needs to think about how to respond?

Was it weird that I wrote that to him? I think it’s better to be honest and letting him know. Better than infecting him! But it might come off as very weird? Because I was sick very often when we were seeing each other last summer… I had a bladder infection and also lip herpes. The herpes thing has me very worried, because it got so serious in my case, I even had to go to the hospital two years ago. So I worry a lot about it. I’m a very anxious person, in therapy the provisional diagnosis was that I have avoidant personality disorder and a softer form of depression. I wonder if it has something to do with this illness and if I exaggerated?

But to be honest, it would be nice if he at least said something….

Dear anita,

maybe he didn’t know what to say. In the past I also got very concerned about my health issues and always told him about that, like about the lip herpes. Maybe it comes off as strange. Or I also worry, that he might think that I want to avoid physical contact with him? Then I worry that he might think that I’m only interested in sex or something. Maybe he just finds me and my behaviour very odd. Why do I always get sick lately? Usually I’m not sick that often… It makes things more complicated. I would like to just meet him and talk to him.

Herpes zoster is very infectious, but I don’t have open wounds, so it should be okay to just meet and talk, I think. But I wouldn’t feel comfortable hugging him or kissing him or even shaking his hand. After I left the hospital two years ago, I asked a nurse if I could infect others (I wasn’t completely healed at that point and my eyesight hadn’t gotten back to normal yet). She said I should better not kiss someone. So I wanted to let him know what to expect when we meet and so I wrote to him that we better be careful and better not shake hands.

I know that I worry too much. More than what a normal person would do. To others it might come off as very weird 🙁

Dear anita,

I don’t want to have sex with him after not seeing him in so long, regardless of the eye infection. I just wanted to let him know that I have this infection…. Maybe I should have told him when I met him. I didn’t think we would necessarily have sex, but maybe hug or something. He wanted to come and visit me, so we would have maybe ended up kissing. I am just very scared to infect him, and I would prefer to not see him or for him to think that I’m crazy than him getting sick because of me.

I realize now that it was definitely weird to write that…

Because I could never forgive myself, if he got sick because of me. Most of the time, herpes zoster doesn’t get so serious like in my case, but still…

Dear anita,

yes I think I also have the problem, I am unsure of what I want. Maybe next time I should take a moment, before I respond to him. I feel a lot of anxiety when it comes to relationships with men. Maybe that’s also playing into it…

I think what I wanted to communicate to him was, that I’m sick. I felt an obligation to let him know, so that he could make an informed decision about whether he wanted to meet me or not. Was I putting the responsibility to make a decision on his shoulders? Probably.

Maybe I should write another message to him and explain again what I meant. But I still feel unsure about what I meant myself… I wish he would write something back and tell me what he thinks.

Dear anita,

have a good time away from the computer!

I also talked to my best friend about it and I showed her what I wrote to him. She thinks that it’s weird that I am so open to him all the time, while he is not. And that it is a little impolite on his part not to respond. And she doesn’t think that it sounded crazy and that it’s good that I was so open about everything. And that I was being very clear. i feel a little bit calmer now.

It is true that it is not so polite of him not to respond… I will wait until writes again and not send another message again. And I will try to think about something else and not to worry so much.

But it also made me think: why am I so open about what I think, when he is not? I always get the feeling that I don’t know what he thinks. But maybe I’m also telling him too much about me and about my weak spots.

Today (before he wrote) I talked to my therapist about boundaries. She said maybe I open my doors to people and step over my own boundaries before they can do it. I don’t know what to think about it.

Regarding your question: I don’t think that sex is his sole decision to make. In theory I know a lot of things. But then, in practice, it’s hard to stick to my resolutions. I try to please people, make them happy. I even disregard my own wellbeing for them. Once I even had sex with K. shortly after my bladder infection. when I wasn’t feeling completely o.k. again. In hindsight I can’t understand myself. What am I so afraid of? We tried to discuss it in therapy today, but it’s hard for me to find an answer. Why do I always want to fulfill the expectations of others?

Maybe it has something to do with my parents disregarding my needs and wishes as a child…

I think that when it comes to sex, every party involved should have equal rights. Both can say no at any moment, even if they already got naked or have gone even further. In my opinion, it’s best to talk about everything before having sex. Talk about what you want or don’t want, about contraception, maybe even take an std test together. It’s best to get to know each other before having sex.

But in my two experiences with men I completely disregarded my values and rushed into it. Why?? I think with my ex, I first just wanted to try out what it is like to have sex. I was also worried about being almost 30 and having no romantic or sexual experiences. It was an experiment that went completely wrong. Maybe it was also some self- destructive tendencies. And this ex was also not the nicest person and used me…

Wit K. I understand myself even less. He always asked: “are you o.K.?” and said that he can wait. But still, my need to please another person was so strong that I ignored my own feelings.

I feel very confused and it’s probably confusing to read too! Sorry! Thank you for your patience and for your offer to help me understand things better.