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What if you are the toxic person?

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This topic contains 294 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months ago.

Viewing 10 posts - 286 through 295 (of 295 total)
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  • #286225

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    Maybe I expressed myself wrongly. I meant I felt good that I didn’t do as he pleased in the end. That I would have felt worse if I did what he wanted and let him sleep over. So I was glad that I finally did not cave to his wishes.

    And I also think, that you can always say no. Even to a nice person, who just wants to hang out. It is always o.K. And to say no to a person who just wants to use you, is even more o.K.

    Yes it is tragic to fall for the lies of some men just because you feel lonely. At the beginning he was very sweet and I deluded myself into thinking that this could become a relationship. I admit that I didn’t act wisely. And I had to pay the price.

    Like you I learned that I was of no value and too often I put the needs of others before my own. But I am willing to value myself more from now on.

    #286253

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I understood correctly, that you said no to him and am very pleased that you did. I was expressing my strong feelings on the topic because of my personal experience and having read about yours, a similar experience. I suppose I am drilling the point, for you and any young woman who may be reading this thread. I want you  to act like the valuable person that you are, not only in the context of men who are looking to  selfishly use women, but in any context!

    anita

    #286555

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I understand what you mean. Yes, it is hurtful to make these experiences, I feel the pain too. It is never o.K. for anybody to take advantage of ones weaknesses. It is never o.K. to lie to someone, to get something out of them. You and I and nobody deserves to be mistreated like that!

    The man from the dormitory told me all this misogynistic nonsense and mistreated me, but somehow I was still worried that I might have hurt him. I realised that what he was saying was wrong and that he wasn’t that intelligent (he called himself a genius… I could almost feel sorry for him, if he wasn’t such a douchebag!), but still I wasn’t able to kick him out of my life for so long!!

    After the experience with K. I feel that I can see things clearer now. Or maybe because of your help and therapy. But maybe I had to go through all of this to finally get the wake up call!

     

    #286559

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    We don’t know what we don’t know until we do!

    I didn’t know that I could trust my evaluation of a person, until I did. It started in my relationship with my mother, I trusted her completely as all young children do, having no ability to evaluate people. Then I got very confused: she fed  me and it felt good, she smiled at me when she did, and that felt good. She told me that she loved me and of course I believed her. But she also hit me and told me that I was a “big zero”, a nothing and so forth. I was confused and I remained confused when men showed interest in me, didn’t know, didn’t understand.

    You and I have to … completely forgive ourselves- it was not a character flaw (that would mean a person settling into a behavior, not being open to examine and challenge it). It was severe confusion due to .. severe damage done to us.

    anita

    #286795

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    such behaviour, people telling you they love you to only mistreat you later, is very confusing. It is what confused me so much during my experience with the man in the dormitory. How confusing must it be if your own mother treats you like that? It must be so hurtful for a child.

    Maybe that is why I didn’t get confused about my father’s behaviour. I cannot recall much of him showing his affection towards me. No hugs, no telling me that he loved me… He probably showed it in his own ways, by making it possible for me to get extra tuition for my problems with math and sciences and such things. But I remember the feeling that he disliked me and I disliked him. Today we get along better, he is more respectful, sometimes sympathetic. We still only shake hands as a greeting…

    Thankfully you and I were able to look at ourselves and see that we need help. I think it takes trength just to admit that to oneself and then go out and try to change yourself… Hopefully I will be able to grow and heal more and more, like you did.

    I agree, we need to forgive ourself, especially as we are trying to better ourselves and we have been through so much! But sometimes it’s hard and my negative thoughts about myself reappear. But the past cannot be changed, I need to stop living in the past. At least I understood better now, that I can control my thoughts. Even though I am not so succesful at this yet and often negative thoughts come up again… But in the last days I felt better. Maybe also, because I focused on uni and my goals more… And I got pretty productive, so I felt good about myself.

    And how are you doing?

    #286825

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I am fine, thank you.

    “people telling you they love you to only mistreat you later, is very confusing”- yes, it is, until you learn that unfortunately this is the norm, not the exception, in relationships. Parents notoriously tell their children they love them, feed them, clothe them and mistreat them.

    You wrote about your father: “I remember the feeling that he disliked me and I disliked him”-  young  are unable to evaluate their parents and form a dislike for them. The dislike occurs later on. It must have hurt the young girl that you were, to be disliked by him.

    “Hopefully I will be able to grow and heal more and more”- you are growing and you are healing and I am so glad to witness it here!

    Keep doing what works for you, focusing on your goals and being productive. And forgive yourself as I forgive myself.

    In about twelve hours from now I will be back for a very short time but will be mostly gone from the computer for the next 36 hours.

    anita

    #286837

    anita
    Participant

    * correction: I will be away and back in about 36 hours from now, not sooner.

    anita

    #295751

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I read your most recent thread and I don’t want to post there so to give other members the opportunity to start fresh with you on that thread. It may be a good idea for you to read our communication on this long thread and to take notes as you read. It can be a learning opportunity for you, to review what worked in the past for you and what didn’t.

    If you want to communicate with me further, you are welcome to do so here, or address me in your new thread. If you don’t, it is fine with me, not a problem. It is your choice and I do wish you well.

    anita

    #295761

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reply and sorry that I didn’t reply back earlier. I needed some time away from this forum I think… And I also thought that I was doing better…

    And I want to leave the story with K behind me, finally…  So I made a new thread. And I also think the title of this thread is not how I would want to think about myself any more. Even though I am very flawed.

    I will look through our thread again. You gave me lots of good advice there! And maybe it will calm me down more.

    Hopefully one day, the opnion of others will not matter so much to me anymore and I will become more confident and calm.

    I also wish you well! I hope you have been good since the last time we communicated!

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by  Lily.
    #295771

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    Thank you for wishing me well ! I understand why you don’t want to post in this thread, so I hope you don’t. If it helps studying it, it is a good idea to do so.

    I hope you get responses on your new thread. If in the future you want to address me, do so on your new thread and I will respond to you there.

    anita

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