Menu

What if you are the toxic person?

HomeForumsRelationshipsWhat if you are the toxic person?

New Reply

This topic contains 291 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 292 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #229787

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

     

    I hope I am making progress. In the last months, I felt a little bit better than in the months before… Maybe also because I didn’t take my medication for Hypothyroidism since about February and started taking them again this summer.

    In theory, it seems possible that these negative thoughts are not true. I can understand that people sometimes believe in things that are not true, maybe because they are uninformed or they just grew up with those beliefs and it’s hard to challenge them. As I said before, I can also see that I have some positive qualities as well. And I know I focus too much on my negative sides.

    My goal right now is to become more confident. My therapist suggested I try out voice coaching (as my voice is so soft, high and childlike, especially when I’m feeling insecure). But it’s too expensive, maybe I will try to join a choir. Last Saturday, I met a friend I hadn’t seen in so long by accident. It was so nice to see her! She invited me to join her, as she is going to look at a new choir this week. The only thing is, I don’t really like choirs… In my childhood I wanted to join the church choir for children. But after a while, I wanted to leave but wasn’t allowed. Also, my mother likes to sing at family events, she even sings prayer songs at the restaurant. I feel kind of embarrassed and uncomfortable in such situations. Singing together always feels cultish to me… But I really want to make this therapy work this time, so I want to listen to the therapists suggestions.

    Also, I wanted to go to a self – defense class for a long time, but it’s also way too expensive. But now I found a sports center that offers self-defense classes and also lots of other classes for only 10€ per month. I want to go there with a friend next Friday.

    Another thing I want to do is write a “self-love-journal” everyday where I list things I like about myself. The youtuber Lavendaire suggested this idea in one of her videos and I think it’s worth a try.

    Am I wanting too much at once again? Maybe I’m setting myself up for failure again… I think after I met this new person I felt so boring when I told him that I spent my days painting, cleaning up a little, reading or cooking and only going to work on some days. Now I feel like I don’t want to be such an unproductive person anymore…

    After I met him last Wednesday, he isn’t contacting me that much anymore. Maybe he is just busy. Or he has other problems. Apparently there are also problems in his home country at the moment, so maybe he has far bigger things to worry about. I hope his family is o.K…. I don’t want to be selfish, but I still worry and feel sad. He only sends me messages that say “Hi” or “How are you?”. But he doesn’t respond if I ask him how he is or comments on my answers (they are short too, because I don’t know if I should engage in a conversation, if he seems so uninterested in it). I worry that I appeared too insecure during our last meeting. I was feeling uncomfortable and couldn’t be myself. When he told me about his plans and his life, I was impressed. He seems like such a good person. But at the same time, I got really scared, because I have such problems getting my life together. And I told him that I have these problems. He also asked me what I think when I hear the word “future” and I answered that I want to be more independent, but that I’m also sacred of the future.

    He probably realized, that I have a lot of things to work on myself. He is someone, who does everything for his future goals. He always gets things done, so he has no problems later. He always says: life is easy. But for me it’s often hard, maybe I make it hard for myself. I get afraid, so in the end I stand in my own way and don’t get things done. He is the opposite. He said there is nothing to be afraid of, if you’re a good person. And then he goes out and gets things done. Maybe, as I have problems in that area that is so important to him, he realized that I’m not an adequate partner.

    I don’t know, I feel sad that he is not contacting me that much anymore. But I try to focus on myself and my goal of becoming more confident. I think if I get more confident, I can also solve my other problems better. Therefore I want to do all those new activities and meet more people and work on myself. On the plus side, I got back in contact with three friends I hadn’t seen in a while. So there are still some things to look forward to and there are still some people who do like me…

    About telling him to not take phone calls while we are seeing each other. Yes, I could do this, but at the same time, I don’t want to be too judicial. If we meet again, maybe I could try  this. Last time we met, he even called someone, because he wanted to ask them, if he could give away their phone number to another person. So he must have also had this conversation about the phone number on his Smartphone while we met… Maybe it’s also my fault. I was nervous and insecure and there were awkward silences… So maybe, likely, I made him feel uncomfortable and was not fun to be around.

    I hope that someday I can accept myself more and be more comfortable with myself and therefore with others.

    #229821

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I am looking forward to read your recent post (and any you may add to it, if you will) when I am back to the computer, in about sixteen hours. I will reply to you then.

    Take good care of yourself.

    anita

    #229987

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I do hope that you feel more and more comfortable with yourself and therefore with others as well. I felt uncomfortable this way for most of my life and it was very distressing. I questioned myself a lot, similar to how you do, doubting myself, regretting saying this and not saying that, wishing I looked differently, sounded differently, worrying a whole lot how I came across to others, and what negative things people think about me. It is only recently that I am comfortable enough in social situations.

    I am comfortable and confident enough much of the time that I am able to see how other people are uncomfortable when they are talking to me.  In the past, feeling as uncomfortable as I did, I didn’t notice that others are often uncomfortable themselves.

    I hope he contacts you soon and have a more lengthy communication with you!

    anita

    #229993

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for reply! It’s so amazing that you overcame your struggles and can now feel more comfortable in social situations! It gives me hope that I too can achieve this one day. The things you describe are similar to what I am experiencing. I definitely worry too much about what others think… They probably don’t even think that much about me.

    I hope you are well, please take care of yourself!

     

    #230001

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    How kind of you to ask me to please take care of myself, thank you, I appreciate it!

    Yes, it is amazing how different things appear when you are okay. I was not okay most of my life and things didn’t appear to me the way they really are. Other people appeared powerful, dangerous, so I feared people on one hand, and I was angry at them on the other, fearful and angry. In reality, people are struggling, and we are all in the same boat.

    It is possible for you too, to feel okay on the inside, like I do more and more so. It takes a long, long time, lots of attentive work, enduring distress, keep going when distressed, not  panicking but persisting. I hope to read more and more from you, whenever you want, please do post and I will reply.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #230145

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    you always help everyone, sometimes I wonder how you are? I want to say thank you for always reading replying and caring.

    I think it takes a lot of strength to work on yourself, to become better. I’m impressed how you did it and turned your life around! You are right, we are all struggling, we are all equal. I like this way of thinking much more than thinking that this or that person is better or worse than another. I don’t think that someone is more important or worthy because they have more money, a better career or have accomplished more things. Why can’t I hold these same standards when it comes to myself? The good thing is, I’m thinking more about this, understanding more and more…

    Today I feel a little down, because he doesn’t message me at all anymore now. Yesterday I sent him a message asking if everything is okay. Maybe it was a mistake. I will leave him be now, no more messages.

    Yesterday I also called my former therapist during her telephone hours, to arrange a closing meeting, like my new therapist suggested. The telephone rang, but then the answering machine started. Some weeks ago I also left a voice mail and she didn’t call back. I think that she doesn’t want to talk to me. Was I such a horrible patient? But okay, I will not call her anymore as well. It just makes me feel angry and sad… And I know that if I ever want to end a relationship with a person again, I will tell them to their face, without making excuses.

    Even if I fail at a lot of things, at least I tried! I think I have learned more through these experiences. I’m getting to know myself better and better. And I can see what I want to change and why. I don’t want to run away anymore and avoid uncomfortable things.

    #230151

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I am fine, thank you. Like you, my feelings change, feeling calmer at times, somewhat anxious at other times, looking at the fire in the woodstove right this moment as I type. It is early morning here, some light outside, no visible sun. I was anxious a moment ago, so I put my coffee away and looked at the fire, wanting to experience calm. My life is about making these little choices so to take good care of myself, to feel calmer, to feel okay as much as possible.

    Your former therapist who didn’t call you back- that is her failing, not yours. It is her unethical choice, not yours.

    “The good thing is, I’m thinking more about this, understanding more and more… I have learned more through these experiences. I’m getting to know myself better and better. And I can see what I want to change and why. I don’t want to run away anymore and avoid uncomfortable things”

    It pleases me a whole lot to read these things I quoted, your words. It is a good attitude, good intent, good aim and I am looking forward to read more and more from you.

    “Today I feel a little down”, you wrote a little while ago. Remember what I suggested to you in my post to you before last: “keep going when distressed (feeling down, included), not panicking but persisting“.

    anita

    #231165

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    it’s good to hear that you are doing well. I guess it’s normal to sometimes feel better, sometimes worse. The idea of always being happy is not rooted in reality I guess. You make small choices to make your life better, that’s so commendable. I also try to practice mindfulness, but it doesn’t always work. Today I went for a walk and I tried to stay in the present moment, but negative thoughts came up again and again.

    I have to think a lot about this guy I met about two months ago. The communication is declining. He wrote me a few times on Friday, then stopped again. He had a family event, so maybe he just was too busy. But I still fear that he just doesn’t want to answer me. Maybe he is already tired of me? I sent him another message today, maybe I should stop sending messages if he doesn’t reply (but I got tempted when I saw that he was online). I really like him a lot. He is such a gentle and caring person. But maybe it’s already over and my self hate ruined it all… If only we could at least be friends… At least I hope that he will tell me, if he doesn’t want to see me or speak to me anymore…

    On a more positive note, I went to the choir with my friend last week and I liked it. I had forgotten that I actually enjoyed singing. Joining a choir feels a little embarrassing though. But it’s also a good way of staying in contact with my friend.

    I also would have tried out the self defense class, but the class was canceled, so I went for a walk with another friend. Plus I went and saw two other friends during the weekend, so I was very social and kind of active…

    I’m thinking about what you said, that I should persist when distressed. It’s definitely something I need to work on! At the moment I’m struggling to find a topic for and work on a project for university. So I procrastinated a lot. I had an idea for a topic, but wasn’t entirely sure about it. But I will sit down now for at least half an hour and write, to clear my thoughts. So that will be a start and I will probably feel better.

    This should be my priority now. If I can improve my career, I will feel better. Or maybe this is wrong and I should accept things as they are now. I always stand in my own way… I’m sabotaging myself. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get it together, especially when it comes to my career. Maybe I have too high expectations and I worry too much, instead of taking action.

    I hope therapy can help me to overcome this and that it won’t fail again. One time my old therapist said, that I can never be fully healed, that I can only improve so much. I had to think about this a lot last week. I really want to make it work this time, so I try to implement the suggestions of my therapist (like going to the choir). But last time I also made a lot of progress at the beginning (because I was motivated) and later I got very stuck.

    Okay, sorry for rambling so much, I better stop now. Thank you for reading and have a good day!

     

     

     

     

    #231179

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You wrote: “I also try to practice mindfulness, but it doesn’t always work. Today I went for a walk and I tried to stay in the present moment, but negative thoughts came up again and again”-

    a misconception about mindfulness/ staying in the moment- it doesn’t mean not having negative thought, nor does it mean not feeling distressed. It means noticing the negative thoughts and noticing the distress. This is all it means. There is more to mindfulness, but you get to it step by step, and you can’t see way out there in the future before you get better at what is closer to you. Once you practice noticing better, then you will be able to see what you can do about it.

    “But last time I also made a lot of progress at the beginning (because I was motivated) and later I got very stuck”- part of getting stuck (will happen again, happens to everyone who makes progress) is believing incorrectly that it is possible to continue forever more feeling motivated. Just like it is impossible to feel happy all the time (you mentioned that in your second line in the recent post), it is also not possible to feel motivated all the time, not even most of the time.

    Do “persist when distressed”, this is key. Regarding the guy, doesn’t read promising to me. But it doesn’t really matter that much, whether he texts you today or not.  In the overall scheme of things, what difference does it really make in your life?

    anita

    #231267

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you for your reply. Maybe I have to read more about mindfulness, to understand it better. I guess for now I should focus on what I feel at a moment.

    You are right, you can’t be motivated all the time. You mean that you have to do the work, regardless of if you feel like it, right? I still struggle with this, but I have to change, because I don’t want to be in that same state in five or ten years. Maybe I should go back to setting small goals for myself for each day or week. The feeling of being unproductive just makes me feel bad about myself.

    But I guess it’s also normal to have success and then fail again, right? It takes time, I guess.

    I think you are right about the guy, it also doesn’t read promising to me either. Now he is far away and probably also tired of me. I think I was too awkward and insecure. But to be realistic, I didn’t really believe that this relationship had much of a future from the start: he lives in another city, he is five years younger, our communication was most of the time awkward, we don’t have that much in common and he is always very busy, so that I don’t know if there was room for me in his life. I regret overstepping my own boundaries. Why did I not respect myself more? I don’t know why I always want to please people and why I go so far with it. My own feelings and needs should be my number one concern in these matters (especially when not knowing a person that well).

    Maybe it doesn’t make much of a difference in my life. It was just an attempt at love or a relationship or something. At least I gave it a try and learned more. But I’m also a little sad that I ruined a friendship or relationship with a person I really liked. And I have self doubts. But I guess it doesn’t matter if he tells me it’s over or not. If it’s over, it’s over I guess.

    What also bothers me is that his sister is my flatmate. On Sunday I went to the kitchen to cook and there she was, with her friend. They were talking in another language, but I could understand that they mentioned my field of study. So maybe they were talking about me. It bothers me, that she now might know some things about me, that I don’t want her to know. I should not care so much about what other people think. It’s their problem and I should rather focus on my own progress and improving my life. If they want to judge me, that’s on them. At least that’s what my more rational self tells me, but another side of me just is very worried and wants to hide and not go to the kitchen again… Next week there is also a floor meeting and I really don’t want to go. But I guess I should. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like my own problems are ridiculous. Why are such small things such a big problem for me? I should be over it, especially at my age. But I guess I’m just a little slower than others.

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Lily.
    #231291

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    “I should be over it, especially at my age”- age has nothing to do with emotional development. It is the work we do through time, not time itself.

    “I ruined a friendship or relationship with a person I really liked”- you mean that you ruined a potential friendship or relationship. It was an acquaintance that didn’t develop into a friendship or a relationship. Did he ruin it as well, or are you, Lily, the sole responsibility for all ruin? I mean, you didn’t create the following things you mentioned as reasons for that ruin: his location (“he lives in another city”), his age (“he is five years younger”), his schedule (“he is always very busy”).

    “I don’t know why I always want to please people and why I go so far with it”- for a young child it is very important to please one’s parents, because otherwise, the biological reasoning goes, the parents will abandon the child, and alone, the child will die. Not having grown from that mindset, you still see others as those powerful entities, like a child sees her parents, and pleasing them feels so important, a matter of life or death. Even though in reality, it is most often a matter of no consequence.

    “Maybe I should go back to setting small goals for myself for each day or week. The feeling of being unproductive just makes me feel bad about myself”- I wonder why you stopped setting small goals daily or weekly. I think it is a good idea to resume doing that and there is no reason to stop doing that. At the end of the day or week you can review the goals you set and evaluate your productivity.

    Post anytime.

    anita

     

     

    #231339

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    you are right, I think. It takes two people to form a friendship or relationship. So I guess I’m not the only one to blame. But my personal problems were definitely an issue. I don’t want to stay like this anymore, I don’t want to be a child-woman and crazy/weird. I want to grow up. But it will take a lot of work.

    Setting goals is something I need to get back into. Why did I stop? Usually I only stick to my goals for a short time before I fall back into my unproductive habits. It was actually the main problem why my therapy failed. I wasn’t making progress in that area. Somehow I’m not taking myself seriously. Sometimes I just feel like nothing matters or I procrastinate and distract myself. Maybe I am just very bad at managing my own time. When I’m at work, I can concentrate very well and I am productive. The same goes for classes. For example today in my class I was working on my project and after class I felt very happy with myself. If there is an appointment for work, uni or a sports class together with a friend I will show up and am reliable most of the time. But working by myself at home doesn’t work so well.

    I think I should write down my goals and to do lists in a journal again.

    For now, I want to

    – Decide on a theme/project for my class

    – Go to the choir and sports class

    – Work every day for 2 x 30 minutes (better start small, I think)

    – Think about the steps I need to take to become financially independent

    Okay, it’s maybe not so much, but it is a start, I think. And I also still have classes and work to go to. I cannot fail again, because I don’t want to be in the same place in a year, I want to make progress!!

    #231343

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I think that twice per day 30 minutes exercise is pretty good, way more than most people exercise. Try to be content with small steps, because small steps is the only way to make progress. The smaller the better, small amounts of progress add up and become big over time.

    You mentioned crazy and weird, this is how you view yourself, your self image, correct? It is how you feel. This is how I used to feel, crazy and weird. I don’t think of myself this way anymore. I wonder though what you mean by “a child-woman and crazy/weird”?

    * I will soon be away from the computer for about 17 hours.

    anita

    #231351

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    sorry, there was a misunderstanding. By working twice a day for 30 minutes I meant working on my projects for university. I realize now that I didn’t express that clearly (I hope my English is understandable). Like I said before, I have some procrastination problems. And I have some unfinished projects and also stuff I need to work on for this semester. So I want to start small, later I can expand the schedule.

    I also want to exercise more, but for now I only want to go to the self defense class once a week and maybe to another class on another day, if I have enough time. Better start small, like you said as well.

    Yes, I sometimes feel weird and crazy. And I worry that I also seem crazy to others, like this person I’ve met and his sister. By woman-child I mean that I feel like I’m not behaving like a true adult, that I’m childlike or childish. I just feel like I need to grow up some more. I think I avoided some responsibilities, like choosing a stable career or being in a committed relationship. I need to learn how to properly take care of myself. But on the other hand, I also have no problems with some other “grown-up things”: I’ve lived by myself, I’ve lived in different places (even a different country), I know how to find a room for myself, cook for myself, clean up after myself etc. So maybe there is still hope… But then again, these things are normal for most people my age. But I should stop comparing myself, I guess and just accept that I’m not there yet. And I should stop telling myself that I’m weird or crazy, because it doesn’t help.

    I wish you a nice and fulfilling day away from the computer! Hope you are well!

    #231485

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I am well, thank you. I understand about the exercise. You worry about seeming crazy to others because there is a voice in your head that says to yourself: you are crazy, and they know it! And that voice also tells you: you are “not behaving like a true adult”! Look at those other people, they are behaving like true adults, why don’t you! And then, of course, it gives you the reasons: you are weird and crazy and so forth. A vicious voice, this inner critic.

    Notice when you hear that input by this vicious inner critic and replace that input with a realistic thought. Or ask it a question: weird and crazy how?

    If it answers this last question, let me know the answer and I will suggest realistic thoughts for you.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 292 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.