I used to have the passion, I was in love with the idea. But, perhaps right now its not what I need. Or, I dont need to learn one with all the baggage of him attached. Spanish doesnt have that baggage attached to it at all, and I have had a hankering to pick it up again.

It was certainly a fantasy, even when reality. Most communcations were about a future, always a future together. So much so that even when we were a more ‘real” couple, Id never realise that we were far away and that wasnt building a real bond. Instead it was endless plans and plans, constantly refining the same ones, agreeing, but never starting, never realising these dreams, plans together. And well, this time, I think it came to a head that it was indeed only a fantasy.

I realised this too, I should have seen it more objectively, I was so stuck in my old mindset, that endless fantasizing, this time I didnt see it for how fragile, fleeting it was. I kept telling myself “wow he really is the one”… but this time it was more hesitant, I was doubting it because it wasnt real anymore… he wasnt a proper boyfriend. I told myself that it was my fault, but that was the doubts from before. This time, it really wasnt working.

In some sense, it was nice… if I look at it as a brief heady re-encounter and nothing more, so be it. Life goes on… that takes away the self blame that I was the idiot over-dedicated to someone who didnt feel the same. No guilt-tripping needed. Let it all go…