Dear Anita,

I apologise for my silence, it has just taken me a bit of time to digest your words of wisdom and act upon them. Then after I acted I just needed some time to be in the present and reflect on the events that have unfolded.

So the first thing that has changed since your last reply is that when I went to my parents I stayed over and I was anxious, at least at nighttime in which I did end up putting a chair up against my bedroom door. It was just a weekend stay and I admitted that I dont feel safe there, even if my parents motives are just to love me the trust has been broken and I cannot help but feel uneasy on a night there, so I stayed at a friends on one of the nights but could not stay there on the second and basically I had no excuse for not staying over (I don’t want to let on that i’m nervous as I have done previously and it resulted in my mum taking it personally then invalidating my feelings).

So the weekend was okay, as a family unit I believe that we do get on and my brother was there (who I do not get on with and is rather similar to my mum) who helped me with a form I needed to fill in for Uni (but only because he wanted to put on a mask in front of my parents as being this nice and caring individual as since that weekend he has not answered any of my emails that discussed the form or anything else).

However, there were comments from my mum that alluded to the same old same stuff, but as she believed the guy she hates was out of my life it wasnt as bad.

Now in terms of my ex, we have decided to give it another go because I have realised that my actions of ending and how I ended things was driven by fear – fear of failure, fear of success and ultimately fear of the unknown, and the untrusting thoughts my brain seems to have conjured up in the last six months, which I mainly believe are due from high periods of anxiety and a lack of communication so I feel trapped, then I feel like I cant breathe, my brain then gives me a reason to leave and then I hit eject and leave.

So, this seems all nice and dandy, family seem okay and I’m deciding to work things through with a relationship rather than run as soon as it gets serious. But, oh that would be all too easy.

My ex was rather “off” as he would only only reply with two x’s and just would say iloveyou but it just didnt feel heartfelt, and I know I pushed him away but I need to know he wants me, because one of our issues in the last 6 months was that I felt like he didnt want me.

So I pushed him about it and he informed me that to be official again he wants me to tell my parents about us. Which instantly I was rather furious about, I was trying to avoid feeling like I was choosing between my family and my boyfriend. Now I feel like I am stuck at square one. I also do not take kindly to ultimatums. But I know he only wanted that because he wants me to show him that I will “fight for him”, even though I think he is missing the point that I am so tired of fighting. I just want some kind of compromise and this anxiety around my relationship/my family’s approval (that I never wanted in the first place) to go away as its been five years and we are still no further forward.

So last friday (it was thursday night he gave me the choice) I called my parents and I just said, we are trying again, I am not looking for your approval I just wanted you to know. Now my dad agreed and was rather chill. My mum on the other hand accused me of being deceitful and tried to demand that she come down to where I live and we talk about it. Which she has done before and I ended up in tears. So I told her I have friends to talk to, I don’t need to talk to her about a man she hates, as 1.) that is illogical 2.) I know her game (she’s nice for about 10 mins , then the insults start , then she mentions something that makes me get upset, then somehow I end up apologising). I am tired of this repetitive cycle.

My only issue now is I feel like I am stuck at square one. That I only have my boyfriend, that my parents are going to stop financially helping me (which I only care about because even though I know that I dont need there money it does reduce my stress levels that are already high) and now I have a weekend coming up where they have arranged for me to stay in the same hotel room and I know I will be worried that my mum will try and murder me or something scary just because I have chosen to go back to a guy who makes me happy.

How can a mum not want her child to be happy ?

I didn’t agree with the ultimatum because now my anxiety about his safety and my safety has crept in again. On a rational level I’m aware I will most likely be okay, but the fear is real and when someone got so upset about who I am dating that they attacked me gives me a reason to be unsure. I may just look and see if I can get a separate room.

Sorry for the ramble,

things have calmed down with Uni so I will be on here more often. Although I got a bit too involved and it made me feel a bit emotionally spent.

How are you doing?

– Victoria