Dear Jay:

Do not despair! Regardless of how you feel and the negative thoughts showing up, you can still have a healthier relationship, getting healthier and healthier.

We don’t have to  let the  negative thoughts  and the distress take over all  of us. There is a part  of us that thinks rationally, a part that can exert reasonable  control over what we say and what  we do.

Plus, the  person you are involved with also has negative  thoughts and he or she also experiences distress, trust issues  and insecurity at one time or another, more often than you imagine, probably, so within the  team-of-two, the two of you experience those things and can help each other.

“I’ve anchored myself to  people, a form of coping mechanism if you will and they become my purpose for my being and I devote myself to them”- a young child is anchored to her parent/s, anchored  to her mother. First there is no physical separation, then after birth for years, there  is no mental separation, the young child depends on the mother, devotes herself to the  mother, too weak to live on her own.

Maybe you should see a therapist, but a good one I hope, not all are good. Or otherwise, over time and intent, you can develop that confidence that you can live on your own, that you are strong  enough, capable enough, not only to  survive as you have done, but  be  okay. At that point in the future you will still need a partner in life but be an anchor to each other.

anita