I hear you, Jay—overthinking is putting a dent in your relationships. Even though your friend reassured you that he wants to be your friend and you both hung out recently, you can’t help thinking negatively, wondering if he’s your friend out of guilt and fearing loneliness. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this; it sounds like a huge weight on your shoulders.

Firstly, you opened up to your friend and told him how you felt. It takes guts to be vulnerable and express your truth! You said that you may have misread the situation, but your friend made it clear that telling him was a good thing for your friendship. Would he say that if didn’t appreciate you, Jay? If you want to reassure yourself, casually mention the situation to your friend to make sure you’re both on the same page: “I didn’t mean to assume things about you the other day, sorry about that! Are we cool?”

In your post, I also sense that you feel unworthy—unworthy of having a friend who appreciates your presence and a group of friends who accepts you despite your “defaults”. I’d suggest making a list of your positive qualities and reading it often to remind you of how amazing you are. You could even ask a close friend, “What do you like about me?”

I’d also suggest contemplating this fear of being alone. Imagine what being alone would look like and allow all your thoughts and emotions to flow. If your emotions become unbearable, breathe deeply or journal. Oftentimes, we’re more afraid of the fear of being lonely than being lonely itself.

You’re right, Jay, it isn’t healthy to depend too much on others for happiness. How about doing some activities that you enjoy alone and learning how to savor your own presence?

Dear Jay:

The problem I see in the situation you described with the friend and the group of friends is that you don’t know what is going on, is he really a friend or not, what he thinks of you, what they think of you, is what they say true or not, sort of being lost in the situation.

Lost and confused, you overthink. Did I understand correctly?

anita

Dear Jay:

I need to get away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. If you would like to add any information that may be relevant or elaborate on any item that you mentioned, please do. When I am back to the computer I will re-read your posts and reply then best I can.

anita

You’re welcome, Jay. It’s a huge win to realize that your negative thoughts make you delusional. Now that you’re aware of this, you can do something about it—which I’m glad to hear that you already are! Writing down your emotions allows you to express them in a safe space and frees you from their weight. On top of that, you revisit your texts to evaluate them objectively, wow. This is an excellent way to figure out which thoughts are true and helpful and reduces overthinking. Keep it up!

Listing your positive qualities (and reviewing them often) and going to a martial arts club will definitely steer you towards more self-confidence and feeling worthy in the long term. Also, be kind and gentle to yourself as much as possible. Resist the urge to act like others or to keep “friends” to avoid loneliness—focus on teasing out your unique personality, strengths and gifts, Jay. True friends accept you as you are.

Dear Jay:

Your story is not “a sob story”, it is a true story, a valuable story that matters no less than anybody else’s story. The sadness in your childhood, the hurt, the embarrassment you mentioned, these are not part of a sob story, but part of your valuable story.

“alienated… scared and alone… left out… bullied.. different to other kids with nuclear families”, this  makes for a breeding ground for anxiety. It scares a child to be separated from his mother, to move from home to home, to feel alone, to be alone  and then to be shamed and bullied at school.

A child needs to feel connected, comforted at home. It doesn’t have to be a two parent family (there is plenty of harm done to children by their fathers and mothers, in the context of a nuclear family, that is one with both parents). One parent who sees the child’s distress, who attends to the child with empathy and respect, comforts the child when he is scared, that is all a child needs, and that is what a lot of children don’t have, just that one parent, that one adult in their lives.

Is there anyone in your life now who remotely comes close to what you needed then, someone who sees you when distressed, who attends to you with empathy and respect, who comforts you when you are scared?

anita

Dear Jay:

“I’ve always been alone when I think about it. Yet I am here, standing, breathing and alive”- a strong sentence. We survive a loveless life, stand, breathe.

“But my later childhood days, from what I can tell from pictures, was also one of my happiest…. maybe because at this age…”- there is this force, a life force in us that doesn’t die easily. No matter the sadness and alone-ness at home, for a long, long time, a new morning still brings new hope, new energy, a desire to experience new things.

“I just want that one person. An anchor… think nothing of it when I make a tiny blunder or do something really stupid. One that loves me for me”- I don’t see why this would be impossible.  When you meet a new person, or consider a new person to be that anchor, you will have to make sure, from the very beginning, that it is a person who is not inclined to be critical of others, making fun of others, but one who is tolerant of others’ differences.

By anchor are you referring to a romantic love partner? And if so, what has your experience been in the area of dating/meeting potential romantic partners?

“This has left me to resort to words, books and distracting myself with academia. I like knowledge”- and it shows in your posts. If you are looking for a romantic love partner, I have an idea or ideas based on this one sentence.

I hope to read from you soon, the answer to me questions, if you want to answer. Otherwise, share anything else that matters to you.

anita