Hi Anita, regarding that anchor….

I have met someone who I like and I think they also like me. We’ve been talking everyday for more than a month now. However, I think my trust issues and insecurities get in the way of our relationship and I push them away even more. For example, I think it was only recently (in the last 2 years) I’ve anchored myself to people, a form of coping mechanism if you will and they become my purpose for my being and I devote myself to them.

I fear that my co-dependency will further harm our relationship. I don’t want to feel this way; I just hope the damage done is still recoverable. I want to change and live my own life but how can I change when my mind is plagued with negative thoughts? When I don’t know who I am or what I like? Or if my existence depends on a person meeting my physical and emotional needs?

Maybe I should go see a therapist….

Hi Anita,

I would gladly. When I was maybe 3 or 4, I was separated from my mum because she had to travel abroad and I stayed with distant relatives. I was passed on from 1 relative to another. Honestly, I remember being a quiet kid which I accepted then, but from when I was separated from my family, not just my mum – my brothers, siblings etc. – I felt very alienated. I only mentioned being away from my mum at first, because your parents are apparently, the people who shape your life, their morals and views are passed onto you. In this period, I was scared and alone. I then moved again when I was 6 to a different country and I remember feeling left out. I made friends and I think I was okay, until I had an embarrassing incident which marked the rest of my school life (at about grade 4-5) which I was bullied for to the start of high school… perhaps this is why I’m very insecure. During this period, I also didn’t have a father and my step-dad wasn’t around much. I relied on my relationship with my mother. I felt different to other kids who had nuclear families.

I’m sorry if I come across as a sob story, I just wanted to tell you my story and to hear your thoughts and from your experience what I can do to regain my self-confidence and to not just CARE?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Jay.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Jay.

Thank you for your reply. Yes I think I’m starting to realise my negative thoughts is causing me to be delusional. Recently, I’ve been writing down texts which expressed how I feel and in the end, never sent them. I still felt liberated afterwards, so I may make a habit of making a journal of all the things I want to say but never sent – at least then, I can objectively examine my feelings with a clearer head afterwards. I can’t tell people everything that goes in my head.

But yes, I do feel unworthy. Which is weird because all I want is to be able to feel worthy. So the trust flows both ways. I want to feel confident. I’ll take your advice and list my positive attributes. I’m going to this martial arts club and working on my physique. Hopefully this short term solution, becomes a long term one eventually.