Hello everyone,

time really does fly by, sorry.

Dear anita, about your first question, “what beliefs were those”. From my mothers side I would say “The world is bad” . Tell her about something that happened to you on any day, I don’t have a good expample right now but lets say “And then there was this lady and she said ‘x'” where “x” for me was something strange but funny. My mother would automatically be angry and say “how could she say something like that to you! ” allways assuming the worst of people, not getting the fine nuances. It was allways a struggle to defend my view against hers. And then there were the times when I would say something she disagreed with, I don’t have an example there but I certainly remember the disgusted look she gave me, like I was the worst person on the planet. She changed for the better though, through theraphy that is why I wrote  ” I would rather have to go on no contact from myself” if I wanted to get away from the thoughts.

As for my father I thought about it but I think I was wrong, it wasn’t ingrained fear there. More of a feeling of not beeing good enough, though he would never admit to it or maybe doesn’t even understand. But not in the cliche TV-Show way, more subtile like I would tell him about something nice I did and he might say “thats nice” and then say how (a) that might have been done better or (b) how really this is not so difficult to do or (c) how cousin X just became proffessor. Super exhausting. Also the same for the future Me:”I will do X” Father: “ah thats nice (a) but shouldn’t you rather do y?” or (b) “Cousin X is studying now while beeing a prof” (I kid you not on this one) or (c) switching to a totally different topic. Its not as bad as it sounds sometimes he was genuinly interested, but I learned to keep special things to myself so they wouldn’t be tainted/ belittled by these kind of comments.

I don’t know I feel I am rambling a bit, sorry.