Hi Anita,

First I need to correct a mistake in the first paragraph of my last post. It should read ‘A non-subjective view point’.

I see what you are saying about figuring out what is my responsibility and what is hers. I still feel that if I had the assertion to follow through with my initial feeling of not being ready then the hurt we have both suffered would never have happened. That is a fact, so it’s been hard not to see it as my fault. In reality, though, the truth is deeper. She pursued a relationship with me disregarding my feeling, that is also a fact and her responsibility.

I honestly don’t know what to think in regard to her motivation for ghosting me. It could be anger – from the time it took it to get my act together, or the issue she had with me and her friend at work. It could be fear of being honest – I heard her lie to friends and family on many occasions, why would I be any different? It could be that she just doesn’t care anymore – meeting someone new would have that effect I guess. I delivered the letter and let go so that I wouldn’t go through all these questions trying to understand, if she wanted me to understand she would talk.

Weed was indeed a way for me to medicate emotions, not just anger and fear though. Also the monotony of my life in general from my job environment to the disillusionment I feel. It was a blissful release in which I could be ok and lose myself in some music or a game without having to care that I feel too bad to get anywhere in life. It breaks my heart to think what that must be like from anothers perspective looking in, that I had just given up.