I very closely relate to where you are coming from Elisabeth and I’m so sorry you are going through the pain of it all.

I was with a good person too, we shared so much, we were good together, we worked, we talked about a future, but unfortunately this guy was so messed up with external circumstances that he had no self esteem and the course of our relationship went in pretty much the same direction as your experience. He  just become more and more emotionally distant. For me this all happened fairly quickly towards the end as he decided to move away, despite him constantly telling me still that he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. Even then however, he didn’t include me in his future plans & visions. The emotional detachment on his part was so clear.

Arguably, I saw it coming, I could have pulled out sooner, but I didn’t – I continued somehow thinking I could make things better, I could “help” him, make things better and I invested too much of my own time & energy into the situation. This was my mistake – but I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I put this part down to learning and moving on to becoming wiser.

I was heart-broken – it’s taken me months to get through this. (At times you want that person back so badly, it hurts so bad) I also had to contend with the loss of my brother at the start of the year, which was horrendous, and 6 months later, the loss of someone living that I loved deeply.

Pretty much a whole year of grief in one form or another for me.

However, although it’s not been easy and I’ve been through the onset of much anxiety and depression this year, I made a decision to turn the situation around with self love and start a new Chapter – the new Chapter being “Me” and no one else.

I have largely put myself through self therapy this year – That’s involved reviewing unhealthy behavioural & thought processes, “stuck” ways of thinking, distorted beliefs and then focusing on so much self love, learning to be assertive, setting firmer boundaries in relationships, that kind of thing. On top of this – I meditate, I practice mindfulness, I show gratitude, I exercise daily, I do good things for “me” and when you start religiously doing those things, good things happen & snowball.

What’s been a largely horrible year to date is turning into a very new and exciting chapter because I am finally finding “me” – the “real me” that I abandoned when I met “him” and I won’t do this to myself again. I am vibrating at that higher level.

The work I’ve done has opened new doors, new opportunities. I’ve even dated new men in the process but at the age of 46 (so 39 is nothing to worry about…!) I don’t WANT a man – not yet! I’m having way too much fun with myself now – connecting with old friends and doing exactly what “I” want to be doing with my life….

And yes, the ex got back in touch after a few months to say he was wrong and guess what? – I don’t want him anymore!!

I found the inner strength and clarity to realise that as much as I love him (still do) he is wrong for me and my personal growth.

So Elisabeth, please don’t fret – your grieving & emotions are normal. Just shift your focus now fully on to “you” and keep up the self love & work through anything you feel is keeping you “stuck”. There are so many online resources now to provide you with the cognitive tools to do this powerful work on yourself.

My only tip would be to reinforce your dis-attachment to him and the thought of any potential future with him.

I’m not saying that things won’t work out for you in the future with him – because actually sometimes they do, but you do need to be fully detached to move on properly and as hard as this is, it’s the best thing you can do for “you”.

I do wish you all the very best in your journey. Sending love.