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  • #267207
    Elisabeth
    Participant

    It’s been a while since I posted on here and I’ve grown so much as a person since then! My main purpose of writing is not for advice, but more for encouragement.

     

    I recently ended a 1.5 yr relationship with someone who I feel is a good person. We met at work and started dating after I quit there. We are now living together with my daughter and I have plans to move out at the end of the month. He has a lot of great traits, but I started to feel over the past few months that he was emotionally unavailable. He has low self esteem and unfortunately it spilled into our relationship. By no means am I perfect, but I really did put 100% in the relationship. I decided to end it because when I heard him speak, I didn’t hear him mention me in any of his plans. He said on a couple occasions that he loves me very much, that Im his best friend, but that something was missing. I noticed that our intimacy changed throughout the course of the relationship.

     

    Things came to a head when my father passed away. Even though I was estranged, his passing gave me clarity on what kind of relationship that I want and what I want for myself. Even though I initiated the breakup, I still feel deeply sad. I also know deep that that this is the best path for me as I want to be with someone who will be 100% committed. Our relationship did not have any infidelity issues and we communicate great with each other. I don’t have a crystal ball, but I’m not attached to any outcome in the future…meaning maybe we will get back together, if we come back stronger as a unit, maybe we will be platonic friends, or maybe we will eventually lose touch.

    I’ve learned over the past several weeks how to properly accept my life story and genuinely love all aspects of myself. Nonetheless, I am still grieving the loss of my dad and this relationship. I am 39 and there is a possibility that I may be alone. Nonetheless, I hope I will continue to receive the tools needed to better my personality, love myself wholeheartedly and vibrate at a higher level.

    I am writing to see if there are others who have been in my shoes and/or would like to share words of encouragement. Thank you! 🙂

    #267215
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi Elisabeth,

    I’m not entirely in the same situation but I can somewhat relate to the idea of a relationship being perfect but there is that something missing… I am currently in the process of maybe reconciling with an ex partner and we too have an amazing relationship BUT his future plans differ to mine, in a sense we are on different paths. I would like to say that you are extremely brave and clearly know your self-worth to be able to walk away from a relationship that you felt wasn’t entirely right for you. This is something I am struggling with at the moment despite my mind knowing better!

    So good on you! Well done! You are one brave lady! Don’t worry about feeling sad, it is all natural! You’re grieving the loss of two very important men in your life, it’s only natural to feel sad. Big big hugs to you! Onwards and upwards x

    #267247
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisabeth:

    Good  to read  from you again! My words of encouragement  for you: you read very sensible and reasonable to me,  logical, balanced thinking, realistic, seeing the bigger picture and optimistic.

    I like the title of your thread, “New Chapter”. I hope you post again on this thread, this New Chapter thread.

    anita

    #267523
    Imomum
    Participant

    I very closely relate to where you are coming from Elisabeth and I’m so sorry you are going through the pain of it all.

    I was with a good person too, we shared so much, we were good together, we worked, we talked about a future, but unfortunately this guy was so messed up with external circumstances that he had no self esteem and the course of our relationship went in pretty much the same direction as your experience. He  just become more and more emotionally distant. For me this all happened fairly quickly towards the end as he decided to move away, despite him constantly telling me still that he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. Even then however, he didn’t include me in his future plans & visions. The emotional detachment on his part was so clear.

    Arguably, I saw it coming, I could have pulled out sooner, but I didn’t – I continued somehow thinking I could make things better, I could “help” him, make things better and I invested too much of my own time & energy into the situation. This was my mistake – but I’m not going to beat myself up over it, I put this part down to learning and moving on to becoming wiser.

    I was heart-broken – it’s taken me months to get through this. (At times you want that person back so badly, it hurts so bad) I also had to contend with the loss of my brother at the start of the year, which was horrendous, and 6 months later, the loss of someone living that I loved deeply.

    Pretty much a whole year of grief in one form or another for me.

    However, although it’s not been easy and I’ve been through the onset of much anxiety and depression this year, I made a decision to turn the situation around with self love and start a new Chapter – the new Chapter being “Me” and no one else.

    I have largely put myself through self therapy this year – That’s involved reviewing unhealthy behavioural & thought processes, “stuck” ways of thinking, distorted beliefs and then focusing on so much self love, learning to be assertive, setting firmer boundaries in relationships, that kind of thing. On top of this – I meditate, I practice mindfulness, I show gratitude, I exercise daily, I do good things for “me” and when you start religiously doing those things, good things happen & snowball.

    What’s been a largely horrible year to date is turning into a very new and exciting chapter because I am finally finding “me” – the “real me” that I abandoned when I met “him” and I won’t do this to myself again. I am vibrating at that higher level.

    The work I’ve done has opened new doors, new opportunities. I’ve even dated new men in the process but at the age of 46 (so 39 is nothing to worry about…!) I don’t WANT a man – not yet! I’m having way too much fun with myself now – connecting with old friends and doing exactly what “I” want to be doing with my life….

    And yes, the ex got back in touch after a few months to say he was wrong and guess what? – I don’t want him anymore!!

    I found the inner strength and clarity to realise that as much as I love him (still do) he is wrong for me and my personal growth.

    So Elisabeth, please don’t fret – your grieving & emotions are normal. Just shift your focus now fully on to “you” and keep up the self love & work through anything you feel is keeping you “stuck”. There are so many online resources now to provide you with the cognitive tools to do this powerful work on yourself.

    My only tip would be to reinforce your dis-attachment to him and the thought of any potential future with him.

    I’m not saying that things won’t work out for you in the future with him – because actually sometimes they do, but you do need to be fully detached to move on properly and as hard as this is, it’s the best thing you can do for “you”.

    I do wish you all the very best in your journey. Sending love.

     

     

     

    #402528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisabeth:

    November 30, 2018 (the date of your original post in this thread) was the last date you posted before today, June 16, 2022- 3.5 years later. How are you?

    anita

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