Hi Anita and others, the following is more like a sharing and mumbling…
I’m better off by not thinking ‘how it should be’. I did some soul searching…

I come from a shattered family as well where I’ve been psychically abused from age 4,or 6? – 20. The constant rampaged abuser was my father and my mother was the turn-tail; often times what happened was that my father was gonna beat me up or beating me, and she  ran away, refusing to witness, well, of course not to help.

When I retrieve my earliest feelings to such experience as a grown up, there are two kinds/categories very obvious.
1st, The huge amount of psychical pain and the fear for it — I remember my father beat me up with solid wood when I was only 4 or 5, and another time I was 9 or 10-ish, my father beat me so hard and it was so painful that I wished to die ;
2nd, The blame. My parents made me believe that I was beaten up because I was especially intractable and difficult than any other kids/teens.  Here is an example of how I reacted. I used to have bad respiratory system and I got sick in winters very often. I’d always rather to secretly take medicines I bought myself from the pharmacy, than telling my parents the truth, simply because they would blame as ‘why you get yourself sick again’.

But don’t get me wrong, there were happy times in my childhood/teen life, even with my father, even in such an abusive family. Although, these happy hours didn’t REALLY matter — I wish my memories could have focused on the rare, but real positivities.
In reality, I resent to my parents for so many years in a way of thinking that I deserved better, I could have done so much better as a person if I was born in a different family; I could have had a wholesome personality. I’ve got the belief, well, I’d say a fact that my parents deprive me from having a happy childhood/teen life and to which, I could never have back.

I cannot change my unhappy memories but perhaps I can change the way of looking at them. Over the years I’ve build up a ’not so bad’ relationship with my father, by trying to understand where he came from, and tell my self that ‘you are a grown up now, do not blame your parents for whatever happens in your current life’ — is this the right way to live a life or am I blaming myself again?
To draw the above to my recent ended relationship, I find it difficult to not blame myself, me being native, stupid, or whatever the communicational problems we had — what if they are all true. I wonder if this devaluation of myself might cause me to invest in a toxic relationship in the first place, a dishonest person I knew in the first place. Then I’ve come to a conclusion/perspective which I’ve got so many years and keeps worrying me: what if I am a person who is not able to love myself — that’s why such toxic thing have entered in my life and will happen again.
The bright side is, we can only solve problems that’ve been seeing in our conscious level and I’ve seen them for years. The downside, if blame is my problem all along, and lower self-esteem rooted from my original family is the source for causing my fatal flaws, then unfortunately, such characters have probably become my personality already.

Thanks for reading
Yuhan

• This reply was modified 6 years ago by humanisedcat.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by humanisedcat.
• This reply was modified 6 years ago by humanisedcat.