Dear Yuhan:

You are welcome.

“it is not worthy to refuse the whole world just coz some damaged  people”- I think we are all damaged people, to one extent or another we all get damaged in childhood. And some of that damage will damage yet other people. But the people who go out  of their way to damage others, those  we  must  avoid, have  no contact with them.

Most  and maybe  all parents are anxious. A child needs a calm parent, so  when a child observes her  parent/s behaving  anxiously, repeatedly, that  is  damaging to  the child. But a parent that  goes out of his  or her  way to damage  is the  one beating  the  child, repeatedly, harshly, years of it. I would have easily forgiven my  mother for  behaving anxiously, for any and all behaviors born out of ignorance, even some spanking, but not for having gone out of her way to damage me by humiliating me, verbally and physically, repeatedly, year after year, and  blaming me for her  behavior, drilling  in  me the belief that I am a bad and  an unworthy person.

I have ended all contact with her in 2013 and will never have  any contact with her for the  rest  of her/ my life. That ending  of contact made  my healing  possible, a healing process that  is still ongoing. (My father was divorced when I was  very young and died many years  ago).

I wish I ended contact with her in my  early   twenties, that way, I would have a whole lot more  life  to live as a good, worthy person, not a life that I did live, one based on the beliefs that I  was a bad and  unworthy person.

You asked, if  I understood correctly, how my experience with  my mother affected my  relationships  with men as an adult. A partial answer: I  behaved based on the  belief that I  was  unworthy, that is, I had  to pay a price for  the man spending his worthy time with me, Unworthy. So I let a man use  me so that there  is  a reason for him to bother with me, no matter I felt no attraction and no desire, even disgust.   (and it was difficult!) to let him use me. Soon enough, I got angry at him and end the  not-yet-relationship.

I didn’t have relationships, really, but short things here and there, on an off at best, nothing that  has  trust in it, or value, or a meeting of the minds, nothing stable, nothing good. Most  of the  time, the great majority of the time, I was  alone.

I have a relationship now, a real relationship, a marriage, eight years now.

anita