Dear Anita

I have some plastic protector files that can be used to organize notes. I have labeled them by section: “Now, later and Way-later.” Thank you so much for your advice. I moved some shelves around my room and there is more space in my room so I feel like I’ve reduced some clutter. It is easier to have most notes on paper rather than online because the screen hurts my eyes after staring at it too long. It does reduce the paper clutter though which is why the may do it with some notes and get a darker background for the screen and rest myself between periods. I wish you luck with your inner critic. The thing is that while organizing my notes, I imagine I’m reducing the clutter of negative thoughts that the inner critic puts in my mind and the more space I have in my room equates to my visualization of mental clarity. I wish that I didn’t have to worry about my body not looking masculine enough. You are very insightful and accurate in your assessment of my words and I admire your understanding nature and compassion Anita. Thank you for being here for me and listening. I am grateful to have a friend like you whose advice always helps me better understand myself. Sometimes I feel like my chest binder (technical term, but it feels like a chest brace as you said because it is quite tight and sometimes it’s hard to move with it on) doesn’t make my chest flat enough and it makes me feel dysphoric. At times I resent having to wear a chest binder because putting it on in the morning makes me feel like I’m only just hiding my chest and even though the chest binder flattens my chest, it still gives me the insecurity that I’m only hiding something I hate and it makes me feel like I’m not masculine enough because while the world may see the flat chest, I know I’m wearing a chest binder to make it flat. The chest binder helps with the dysphoria, but also makes me feel like I’m less masculine sometimes because I don’t have a flat chest, I have a chest binder that makes it flat and then this is where dysphoria comes in again and I’m wondering if my chest binder hides my chest well enough. I feel more comfortable when people refer to me as a guy without questioning it because sometimes I will have people wonder about my gender identity and ask me which makes me feel uncomfortable. If I tell them I’m transgender, they feel embarrassed for asking or they look at me oddly and then treat me differently (they are still respectful of my gender identity, but they will start to judge me by telling me that if I present male, I should be able to do this or that and I am grateful that they teach me more ways to be more masculine but also feel annoyed/dysphoric because it feels like the way I am presenting isn’t masculine enough for them) . If I tell them I’m a guy, it doesn’t evoke much comment except my own insecurity will think I didn’t tell them the truth. Which is why I feel conflicted at times. It is better when people accept me as a guy without question so I don’t feel like I’m having a conflicted mass of emotions if people ask me my gender identity. My friends have decided to take time for themselves. So they have turned the time I can’t hang out with them into time for them to relax. We check on each other and help encourage each other every now and then to do well and to let them know that we are here for each other. I told my friends that I appreciate having them in my life and told them my schedule for this semester and it’s a good thing because it  allows them to know when I’m available and when I can hang out. I told them that I care about them and will hang out with them as much as my schedule allows. I want them to enjoy their lives as well and take some time for themselves when I’m busy. I appreciate them for being here for me and will help them when they need it. It’s working out with my friends after talking with them and listing the assignments that I have done for this semester because it allows them to gain perspective that I care about them, but my assignments need to be done first. I will still respond to friends who email/text/message me and let them know I’m here for them and that I will give them advice as soon as possible or if they need a hug I’ll give them one now.