Dear Marina:

My summary and  understanding of what you shared on this thread:

You are now 23, have a nice job, travelling occasionally and living with your parents. When you were growing up, your parents expressed to you that they expect you to “always excel in school and have excellent future”, and “demand me to be always good girl, obey what they said and if I had my own opinions, they used to judge me as a very bad daughter”. And at the same time, the two  of them argued daily and used abusive words against each  other on a daily basis, in your presence: “they did only argue and abusive words were daily food for me and  my brother”. If I understand correctly, they stopped this particular behavior eight years ago, when you were 15.

On one hand you wrote regarding your current feelings about your parents: “I don’t really develop strong  feeling towards them”, and on the other hand you wrote that you “want  to forgive and make  peace with them”.

I suppose you want to forgive them because you are angry at them, and you want to make peace with them, because there is little to no peace- his is why you wrote: “I don’t really develop strong feelings towards them. But I’d like to melt the situation“.

You also shared that you don’t “really feel comfortable sharing my stories with my parents and also the rest of family”. Your father shared and  still shares with you about his painful childhood and how he is still victimized, getting overly stressed in minor life  challenges such as being  stuck in traffic, going on and on about the  drivers that  caused him to get  stuck.  You feel sorry  for your father and hope to “one  day I’m able to introduce my parents, father especially to experience life without unnecessary stress.. maybe take them to travel and enjoy being in different places”. On a daily basis you don’t interact much with your parents, going straight to sleep after work and going out alone on your days off.

In your very early twenties you had a one year affair with a married man, a diplomat, and that ended a year ago. When you meet men in your work related travels, sometimes you feel the butterflies and wonder if there is a future with this or that man, but then you get scared that the  man doesn’t feel  the same  way and  you deny those butterflies, distract yourself and “try hard to stay grounded”, yet you get obsessive about some  of these  men, doing “excessive checking on his social media”, then you meet  another man, another crush, forget  about the  previous and  the pattern repeats: butterflies, denying/distracting, obsessing.

Two months ago, you met a single man, Andre, who lives in a different country. He may move to your country but it may not happen because he needs to go through a visa  process with a new employer and  may not  get that visa. You like him very much, seeing him as one with “this kind loving attitude to people, animal, and nature”, and good relationships with others. You want this new relationship to grow, but you worry a lot, worry that you “have said something wrong”, or that he thinks you are not sincere when you tell him a compliment, that you “only give him bull^**”, that you “say or do  something that goes against  his perspective”. You don’t  want  to “end  up clingy like my previous relationships or repeat the cycle whenever I don’t hear answers”, especially because the relationship is currently long distance. You don’t want  to get hurt expecting and then getting disappointed but “yet I want  to start new chapter with  someone who is treating me this good”.

“The desire  to  make it happen sometimes coming up way  too strong… I just long to escape and want to ‘make  it’ happen because sometimes my inner child thinks  it’s the  answer”.

What I understand  is that you have  a strong desire for  love, for a loving, healthy relationship with a  man, one where you feel safe, no longer worrying, no longer obsessing, no longer scared. Sometimes you get overwhelmed by how strongly you want a love story with a man, and you panic, as if you are in some  danger and  you.. have to do something, quickly! Hence, rushing to think a  lot (obsess), to check social media, to rush the other way and deny your feelings, or rush to another crush.

Everyone is afraid, some more than others. When a child lives in a  home perceived to be dangerous, day after day, that fear grows and overwhelms. A child does get scared  witnessing one argument  between her parents.  Witnessing arguments every day almost, abusive  words included, that is  very scary for a child. The home  doesn’t feel safe, it feels dangerous.

The child craves for her parents’ love, for the feeling of safety with them but lives in fear. When the scared child turns 18 or 23, the significant fear doesn’t  go away. It is still there, so you meet a man, you get the butterflies, that is the desire and hope of love and  safety, and at the same  time,  or very soon after, you feel the fear as well, same fear from childhood.

The key is to manage  this fear, to regulate  it with guided meditations, long  walks in  nature, other healthy or non-damaging distractions on a daily basis. Maybe make a daily walk a matter of routine, every day. Maybe visit a gym daily, take on a bi weekly yoga class, and so on. Quality psychotherapy aimed at helping you manage and regulate your anxiety will be very helpful. Further insight into the origin of your significant anxiety (your childhood) will be helpful as well.

Even though you don’t feel much fear living at home  with your parents now, that fear you felt before didn’t go away. You may not even remember  how scared you were as a child when your parents argued. You may not remember how hurt you felt when they rejected your opinions and suggested that you were a bad  daughter for expressing something innocent.  But those feelings don’t disappear, they just hide and then emerge in other places,  other situations, such as when you meet  a man you are interested in.

You expressed something innocent to your parents as a child. To your surprise they got angry with you, saying you were a bad daughter for expressing that something by which you meant  no harm. So you got scared: what if I say something else that makes  them angry, that makes them think I am a bad daughter…?

Currently, you don’t share much with them, but when  it comes to sharing with Andre, the same  fear returns: what if he thinks I meant something I didn’t mean, what if I express something innocent and  he misunderstands… just like  they did.

Let me know  your thoughts/ feelings about what I  wrote so far, and if  you would like, we can continue this communication.

anita