Hi Marina

How do you manage your expectations in this kind of situation? Is it possible not to expect anything?

I don’t think having expectations is a problem. IMO they help us pay attention and set healthy boundaries.  The problem is when our expectations become ridged and so we then try to ‘make it’ happen. Instead entering into the flow of relationship we confuse the expectation as the relationship.

“In relationship, now we dance this way , now that, sometimes with a heavy beat, sometimes with a lightness and grace ever flowing freely. Now they become the dance, now the dance becomes them. The goal is not to confuse the type of dance they are doing with the fact they are dancing. ” GZ

We can have expectations however with mindfulness we do not have to attach ourselves to our expectations. We stay open, paying attention to our healthy boundaries, ready to spin and twirl, laugh and cry, and change direction when the moment suggests it.

Its important to note that when we  detached our selves from our expectations that its not indifference. Instead we remain fully engaged with life as it shows up without trying to control things, which is may be what clinging to expectations is.

Dear Marina:

On your previous thread, under another account, did we discuss the origin of your anxiety, that in your childhood? If so, will you remind me what you shared there?

anita

Dear Marina:

Good, honest and single men do exist and  I hope Andre  is indeed one. The evidence so far points to  it. I hope it will work  out, him being decent  man he appears  to be, being able to stay legally  in your country (so that a relationship is possible), and regarding your anxiety, keep posting about it here, on your thread.  If you express it here and receive at least my replies every time you do post, maybe it will make it easier for you to manage your anxiety in the context of you and Andre.

Regarding your parents not getting  a  divorce because they were concerned about your (and your brother’s) future, well,  I wish they thought about your future before they argued and used abusive words toward each  other in  front of you (“they did only argue and abusive words were daily food for me and my brother”)- did they  not think that behavior was damaging  to your future.

And unlike what your parents communicated to you, you have  not and are not a bad daughter for having different opinions than theirs. You are the good kind of rebel, to have a better understanding  about life than your parents. For example, having the opinion that arguing  in front of your children is damaging  to children, then you are a good person for having that different  opinion, aren’t you.

I suppose you are living with them-  if you do, how does it feel to see them every  day, to be in their presence?

anita

Dear Marina:

I will read your recent post (and any other you may add) when I return to the computer in about fifteen hours and reply then.

anita

Excuse the sudden post.

Marina,

Your parents probably doesn’t understand the deeply held insecurities of their wounds from their childhood. In the case of your father, he had a terrible and miserable childhood, but he probably wasn’t allow to voice that aloud as a child so he continues to carry a little boy in his heart that is still trying to grapple with that deep hurt. Then, as an adult, he married and conceived children because that’s what society told him to do so he did. But he wasn’t happy having a family so tried to get a divorce only insecurities kept him back from going forward. Then he watched as the little child he was able to controlled before slowly grow bigger while also slowly developing her own thoughts and will. But he, along with your mother, wasn’t able to face the implication that they weren’t able to control you anymore because they didn’t know how to face another person with emotions and thoughts that were different from them, which was inconceivable and threatening. So they tried to enforced the image of a good child on you because if you were a good child, they didn’t have to worry. Anything else was irrelevant because they were the parents and you were the child, that was what they learned in their own childhood. Only, you couldn’t handle their atrocious expectations and rebelled. Then they slowly understood that with the way things were going, things were going to get worse, so tried to ‘change’ but didn’t really change. They only slowed down.

Now, you’ve only written that you don’t really feel anything towards your parents, but still want to forgive them, to tried for a new ‘normal’. But that contradicts each other. To forgive anyone, you have to acknowledge the ‘why’ part of the forgiveness. Are you angry, disappointed, sad, tired, or simply numb from the people you depended on from your childhood to now? You wish to forgive them, but why must you? And also, can you try for a new ‘normal’ when your old ‘normal’ was different yet not so different? After all, your old ‘normal’ was your parents constantly hurling insults at each other than at you and your brother. The old ‘normal’ was your parents placing heavy expectations on you, but has that really changed? The old ‘normal’ was your parents neglecting to pay attention to what you want, your dreams, your simple thoughts but is still only talking about themselves? What makes today so normal from the past few years?

And have you notice? Have you notice that you’re really, really careful around your family and your potential lovers? When you feel a spark for anyone, you rush to check their social media. You try to gauged the kind of person they are, you try to see if you can fit in their life. With your parents, you try to avoid seeing them as much as possible, but also trying to give them a vacation in their old age. With Andre, you worry if a simple comment makes him angry so try to avoid doing so again. You walk on eggshells with everyone, but especially with yourself.

In your childhood, did you try to be the ‘good child’ before you rebelled? Did you try to meet your parents expectation because you desperately yearned for their approval only to realize that they weren’t or wasn’t able to do so? Because while you are aware your parents had hurt you, you still focus on the why that is your parents’, not your hurt. You understand that your father was hurt as a child, but that has nothing to do with your anger with your father. Your father has his own insecurities, but you do too. It’s fine to have compassion for others, but you cannot let that make you push away your own fear and doubts to focus on the other person. Looking at your post, most of the written posts are about either your parents or about Andre and how you can do something for them, but never about how you feel, not really about you. You have to remember your own anger and doubts and fear and sorrow. You’re only human; it’s okay to be human. So let yourself focus on your emotions and thoughts and feelings, and not how other people ‘think’ about your actions and thoughts.

Similar to your father, you have a little girl inside still wishing for warmth and comfort. What is the little girl inside of you crying and asking for? What is that little girl searching for? Listen. Then feel. Don’t think over it. It’s easy to rationalized your feelings, but that little girl isn’t looking for a solution. That little girl is looking for someone to just see and listen to her. To acknowledge her pain and sorrow. To honor her experiences with parents who didn’t know how to acknowledge her as a person. That little girl need you to see her, to accept yourself as you are.

Now, you wish for a relationship with a person that’ll treat you with genuine care and warmth, yet have you been treating yourself with warmth and care? Have you feel proud of yourself, complimented yourself for finishing a task? Have you let yourself be okay even when you’ve failed a task and not beat yourself up for it? Have you let yourself feel bad and be okay with it? Be okay with not finding a solution to every bad thing you’ve done to another person, to every mistake and flaws you feel you have? Have you been kind to yourself?

Because being kind to yourself really does require effort due to that inner critic that everyone has. The one that tells you that you’re not enough, that you’re a bad person, that things won’t work out, while questioning your every thoughts and actions. A person is truly their own worse critic so you have to learn to make yourself important and special to you, yourself. But you make that effort so that you know when someone is treating you badly, you know that what they’re doing is not kind or leaving you to question yourself, so that you know where and how to set up healthy boundaries.

You have hope for the future, so have hope for yourself.

Good luck.

Dear Marina:

You are welcome.

When you exploded at men before, what did you do and say to them; how did your explosions look and sound like?

anita