Hi Brandy,

1- You’re right. I absolutely miss him. We broke up previously because back then I felt I needed more commitment and in a way I thought the break-up might have shaken some sense into him. At that stage I had no clue about marriage or kids or anything, at that point I was merely looking for any kind of commitment more than he was offering. I went to therapy and felt things were unsettled and unfinished so I felt we were meant to be together so I picked myself up and got back on track and reached out to him in a casual way and it went from there.

2- The age thing IS a factor and ISN’T a factor. It IS a factor if I feel I still want that and time is running out, but to be honest, I can’t see my future with anyone else, so it’s not a factor in that sense because it’s not something I’m going to have anyway. Sorry if that sounds confusing! It’s confusing to me and it’s my head!

3- Rejection. Boy, that’s the toughie isn’t it. He CHOSE not to be with me! What is WRONG with him?! I’m not a stranger to rejection, most guys I’ve liked or had brief flings with all rejected me in the end. Previously I would walk with my head held high and make myself have fun times and look good etc and say their loss. This time not so. My therapist feels it’s because his words and actions don’t match. He was either lying to me or lying to himself, but either way, it’s not clear cut. I really felt this man loved me, not as much as perhaps I should receive but by far more than he ever thought he could give or reach. So I’m sad because he chose not to be with me. But I’ll absolutely take on board your advice and try saying it aloud regularly.

4- In terms of other ways I’m hurting. I’m lost. Honestly lost. I can’t find a path, I can’t find anything or any plan that would make me happy. Much advice suggests finding something you love to do and participate and you will start to feel better. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again, not with the passion and love I felt for my ex. That’s pathetic maybe, but it’s just me being honest. I thought my life was going in a particular direction and now it’s not, I’ve no interest in alternatives which don’t make me as happy. Not to say I was fully happy with my ex, clearly I wasn’t, I loved being with him but the lack of future hurt me, so therein lies the pain.

It’s all such a process but I’m not sure do I know to much or too little at this stage now and I’m all levels of confused!