December 11, 2018 at 8:45 am #268859
You are very welcome, Shelby. What do you currently believe about the situation?…and what don’t you believe about it?December 11, 2018 at 10:55 am #268883
I guess I believe he loves me and will overcome whatever issues have stopped him moving forward. That’s not realistic and if I could get a feeling-ectomy I would!December 11, 2018 at 2:57 pm #268901
Which is more difficult for you to accept: being apart from this particular man, or being single again at age 34?
BDecember 11, 2018 at 3:54 pm #268903
Oops, I meant 36.December 12, 2018 at 12:47 pm #269079
I really thought about your question. Obviously my age is a big consideration for me, but is it the biggest element I’m feeling? I don’t think so. I miss the man, flaws and all.December 13, 2018 at 9:54 am #269155
I think I understand how painful this breakup is for you. Each element associated with it is devastating for you and it’s difficult to accept them all at once. Maybe you can work on accepting each individually:
1. You miss the man. Did your earlier breakup occur for the same reasons as this one, and did the reconciliation happen because you had reached a point where simply being with this great guy was more important to you than moving the relationship forward? Have you reached that point again now? (I realize that may no longer be an option for you.)
2. Being single again at age 36. You see your girlfriends marrying in their twenties/thirties with babies arriving soon after that. Feels like everyone is coupled up, that you’ll never meet a good single guy because all the good ones are taken. Well, all the good ones are not taken. There are ALWAYS good single guys out there. No matter what age you are, there are guys looking for meaningful relationships with good women. Guys in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and older (some are divorced) looking for the right girl. These days there’s no longer a stigma associated with delaying marriage or not marrying at all. People do it for so many reasons (career, personal convictions, etc.) As for the biological clock thing, many women today preserve their fertility by freezing their eggs. You can do that! Maybe explore that option and then relax about your age.
3. Being rejected by someone you love. This is really hard. People talk about others having “rejection issues” but don’t we all have them really? Who’s good at being rejected anyway? This is where it may be helpful to say “he’s choosing not to be with me” out loud and know you’ll be okay with whatever feelings that come up, like I described in the earlier post. Bottom line is we all need to find a way to get up, dust ourselves off, move forward, learn what we can from the situation and become the best versions of ourselves that we can be. It’s tough, I know. Every day, maybe several times a day, say “he’s choosing not to be with me” and feel it. Practice acceptance. You’ll be okay.
4. What other ways is this breakup affecting you?
BDecember 13, 2018 at 11:53 am #269165
1- You’re right. I absolutely miss him. We broke up previously because back then I felt I needed more commitment and in a way I thought the break-up might have shaken some sense into him. At that stage I had no clue about marriage or kids or anything, at that point I was merely looking for any kind of commitment more than he was offering. I went to therapy and felt things were unsettled and unfinished so I felt we were meant to be together so I picked myself up and got back on track and reached out to him in a casual way and it went from there.
2- The age thing IS a factor and ISN’T a factor. It IS a factor if I feel I still want that and time is running out, but to be honest, I can’t see my future with anyone else, so it’s not a factor in that sense because it’s not something I’m going to have anyway. Sorry if that sounds confusing! It’s confusing to me and it’s my head!
3- Rejection. Boy, that’s the toughie isn’t it. He CHOSE not to be with me! What is WRONG with him?! I’m not a stranger to rejection, most guys I’ve liked or had brief flings with all rejected me in the end. Previously I would walk with my head held high and make myself have fun times and look good etc and say their loss. This time not so. My therapist feels it’s because his words and actions don’t match. He was either lying to me or lying to himself, but either way, it’s not clear cut. I really felt this man loved me, not as much as perhaps I should receive but by far more than he ever thought he could give or reach. So I’m sad because he chose not to be with me. But I’ll absolutely take on board your advice and try saying it aloud regularly.
4- In terms of other ways I’m hurting. I’m lost. Honestly lost. I can’t find a path, I can’t find anything or any plan that would make me happy. Much advice suggests finding something you love to do and participate and you will start to feel better. I can’t imagine ever feeling happy again, not with the passion and love I felt for my ex. That’s pathetic maybe, but it’s just me being honest. I thought my life was going in a particular direction and now it’s not, I’ve no interest in alternatives which don’t make me as happy. Not to say I was fully happy with my ex, clearly I wasn’t, I loved being with him but the lack of future hurt me, so therein lies the pain.
It’s all such a process but I’m not sure do I know to much or too little at this stage now and I’m all levels of confused!December 13, 2018 at 7:31 pm #269215
1. Okay, thanks, I understand now.
2. So the way you see it, this man is your only chance for a husband and family. Without him, you don’t see any of that in your future. Why do you think that? Is it because you can’t see yourself ever being as attracted to another man as you are to him?…or do you not believe in your ability to attract another good man?
What initially attracted you to him anyway, and him to you? And what did you love most about him, and he about you, the years you were together?
3. I think a lot of the crappy things we go through will ultimately make us stronger people but I also think that rejection isn’t necessarily one of those things. Maybe for some rejection actually does the opposite, chips away at our self-esteem, and the more we experience it the harder it is to recover from it. I wonder if this, in part, is why you’re having an especially difficult time trusting that you’ll eventually find a path out of your pain.
BDecember 14, 2018 at 5:50 am #269257
I guess you could say that he was my only chance. But not in the sense that there is no other man in the world who would want a family etc, but because I don’t want that with anyone else. I have only recently discovered I was open to the prospect at all, so it was definitely specific to him and the type of man he was/is. I don’t think I couldn’t attract someone else in the future but I don’t believe it would be someone I feel so strongly for or am as attracted to.
I really became attracted to his chivalry and kindness and adventurous attitude. He was a man’s man too, if you can understand, handy to do everything really and I was physically very attracted to him. He was very affectionate also.
I think he loved my kindness the most I guess, but he even had difficulty saying he loved me. But it was apparent to me through his actions. He also seemed to be very attracted to me and I’m not sure what else he loved about me. He used to say I’m kind, caring, smart, funny, competent…bla bla bla….but not sure now if that meant anything.
3- That’s an interesting point. I honestly don’t know. I do look back now and think….’gosh, not ONE guy in my life has ever thought I’m worth it!’, so maybe. I just feel lost and I’m unsure how or when the lost feeling will go away. A tad dramatic – but thoughts of dying with a broken heart spring to mind! Forgive me!December 14, 2018 at 12:33 pm #269311
I am so impressed with you, Shelby. I really am. There’s so much I want to say to you. First, those things your ex used to tell you that you’re kind, caring, smart, etc., I think he really meant them. I’m just going off of what I’ve read from you on both this and the other thread and as a complete stranger even I can see those things in you. As for the “competent” part — I was going to say earlier that I’ll bet you’re very good at your job. I’ll bet when you miss a day of work your boss really feels it. You come across to me as thorough, conscientious, and very sharp.
Anyway, when you look back and think that none of the guys in your life ever thought you were “worth it”, why do you believe that is? I mean, if you could identify one or two qualities about yourself that you think are factors in this, what would they be?
I grew up in a house full of brothers and boy did I learn a lot from them while they dated in their teen years, twenties, and on into their thirties before settling down. One thing I learned is that as soon as a girl made one of my brothers the center of her universe, the relationship started to go south. I think that many, maybe even most guys want to be with a woman who has her own ambitions, goals, hopes and dreams that are totally independent of her relationship, someone who is genuinely happy and can have a great time even when he (her man) is not physically present, someone who is strong and who he admires. Once a girl started to adjust her own life plan, drop her hobbies and/or friendships, compromise her dreams in order to make herself more available and keep her man interested, it actually made him less interested. If your ex believes that he alone holds the key to your happiness, that he’s your only chance for it, it may be too much pressure for him to bear. There’s a very good chance that I’m way off on this, Shelby, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.
You say that you are only recently open to the prospect of marriage and children? Why only recently?
BDecember 14, 2018 at 12:57 pm #269315
I don’t think you’re off at all. That may very well be the case. I did make our relationship the centre of my universe. I didn’t mean to, but I just loved spending time with him. But I do remember him asking me from time to time if I had any hobbies of my own. I used to feel pathetic when he said that! I bloody well had lots of friends and family and would be considered a social person but we didn’t see each other a lot so I tried to make time when I could to see him.
Ironically I told him that our relationship might become easier if we lived together because it would give me the opportunity to get involved in things I had pushed aside, with the knowledge that even if we were busy separately all day or evening, we’d wake up in the same bed.
I absolutely understand the pressure someone would feel if they believe they hold the key to your happiness. I understood this the first time we split and when we reunited I strived to be the fun, easy going woman he fell for originally. But my feelings kept growing and I kept wanting to move forward with him so you can only hold them at bay so long.
I will fully accept any contribution I made to the relationship not working out, but there are definitely issues on his part too. But he is not aware of them, so that’s the end of that.
I guess people at work would say I’m competent and to be honest, I have a boss who is covered a lot by things I take care of, but no-one is indispensable so I just try to keep a good worth ethic and keep my head down. In work, I’m not like in personal life, I would be assertive if I needed to be!
As for previous rejections, I don’t know what they felt wasn’t worth it. I don’t have specific things or traits in mind, but the evidence is what it is. They didn’t stick around so I wasn’t worth it for them, whatever the reason may be.
I try to be kind. Kindness is so under rated at times, if more people just thought about being kind a couple of moments a day, how it could change the world, or the world of one more person. But that’s just a side note about me I guess!December 14, 2018 at 4:37 pm #269333
I just now realized that the question you really want answered here is how to accept something that’s hard to accept, not why you’re in the situation of having to do it in the first place, and I’m also realizing that your kindness may be keeping you from posting “Yo Brandy, you’re giving me advice I didn’t ask for!!!”….lol. I’m so sorry! So to get your thread back on track I’ll summarize my advice for how with 1. practicing acceptance which I described earlier on this thread, 2. practicing mindfulness which I think is part of acceptance (or vice versa) and I described that on your other thread I think, and I’ll add a #3 which is that I think a little boost in your self-esteem will help too and your therapist should be able to help you with that. That’s really all I’ve got to answer your specific question. If you have any other questions for me, just let me know!
B 🙂December 15, 2018 at 3:11 am #269347
Thanks so much for your advice and help, I welcomed all your posts! I guess the crux of the problem is how do I accept the unacceptable?!
I will try all your tips and see how I get on. Maybe one day I’ll feel more inspirational and hopeful about the future. Right now, it eludes me. And when I’m stuck in a moment I can’t get out of, I feel I’m wasting the gift of life which has been given to me. It’s like a waste of a life on someone like me, who can’t embrace it fully.
Perhaps one day this will change. I can’t say at this point. Thanks again!December 15, 2018 at 10:38 am #269371
You are welcome. I think you had it right all along, that over time this is going to get easier for you. Hopefully the support here (I was just now reviewing William’s list of great tips…wow!) will help you through the tough moments along the way.
BDecember 15, 2018 at 1:53 pm #269381
Its crazy how I relate to everything you have written, and ive read the replies to this post hoping that they would help me aswell, but i still feel hopeless and like this will hurt forever. But I think, for me, its been extremely hard to move on and open up myself to life again because my mind is yet cloudy and i need to figure out what the universe was trying to teache from that experience and once i find those answers and find clarity then i might be able to move on. As for now, i cant figure it out, everytime i try to think of what this might have taught me, i just think of him and us and everything that went wrong and i feel sad. But ive given up into it and im going to let myself feel all the sadness till i dont anymore. I dont know when this will stop hurting, i dont know how long it will take, its been 8 months and still hurts like it happened yesterday, but i know for sure that it wont be like this forever and i will learn to live and love again, and you will too.