December 5, 2018 at 3:42 am #267909
It’s funny! I can barely remember that life now! To be honest, I had opened up my heart and grown much up to the age of 30/31.
I worked and spent a lot of time looking after others and enjoyed spending time with friends. I also watched a lot of tv! Sad, but true! I still loving being social and meeting friends etc, but back then I didn’t know what it was like to have a partner to do things with, so in a way, ignorance was bliss. Now when I do things, they feel empty or less enjoyable than doing them with my ex and that’s no disrespect to my family or friends whom I love, but I just loved having him with me.December 5, 2018 at 3:52 am #267915
You mean you didn’t have a boyfriend throughout your adolescence and your twenties?
anitaDecember 5, 2018 at 4:13 am #267919
Yes, that’s true.
I would have had flings with a few guys, but none were in a relationship with me. And none were serious.December 5, 2018 at 4:37 am #267923
I think this is significant information, very relevant to your current struggle. Do you want to explore it with me?
If you don’t, it is fine with me. My goal is to maybe, just maybe be of some help to you, this is why I ask.
anitaDecember 5, 2018 at 4:55 am #267927
I have discussed it somewhat with my therapist who does indeed believe it’s why I’m experiencing things so acutely now.
Most people get the biggest devastating life-will-never-be-the-same-again heartbreak out of the way between 16-20ish, so in some ways I’m experiencing it like I would if I were 17 and nothing seems like it will ever get better.
I understand this, but I just seem to not see any brightness in the future.December 5, 2018 at 5:04 am #267931
I think your lack of relationships history is relevant to your current struggle not because other people experience this kind of heartbreak earlier, and you experience it later, but because there is a reason why there hasn’t been a relationship in more than ten years of your adulthood, from your late adolescence on, through all of your twenties. That reason or reasons are why you are so pessimistic now about your future.
Maybe it is a depression from before, being lonely and depressed for many years before meeting your ex boyfriend that was activated following the first and second breakup.
anitaDecember 5, 2018 at 9:48 am #267973
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I’m sure I was lonely at times when I didn’t have a partner, but I had assumed the role of caretaker in my family which I may have chosen or it chose me. It was comfortable and safe but loneliness catches up with everyone I think so that’s probably why I decided I wanted a relationship a few years ago. Or at the time that I wanted to be with someone at least. I didn’t know it was a relationship I wanted to be in.</p>December 5, 2018 at 10:25 am #267979
This role of caretaker in your family, what is it about?
You wrote earlier in this thread: “I have this belief that if it doesn’t work out with my ex, that I’ll continue working etc., basically functioning but I’ll always feel the loss and always have a melancholy of sorts and always miss him and basically live out the rest of my days in a mediocre sort of life… I feel like if I have to suffer for the rest of my days enduring this sad life, I’ll do it, for my family. It will just be my lot in life”
What if it is this caretaker role that is responsible for this melancholy, this mediocre sort of life, this sad life. Is it necessary for you to continue this role, is it what you want, or maybe, maybe there can be a different kind of life for you?
anitaDecember 5, 2018 at 3:45 pm #268005
Sometimes I wonder am I meant for more?
Other times I feel great fulfilment in helping others, so I’m not sure really.December 6, 2018 at 7:53 am #268109
You shared the following: “I grew up with loving parents, no abandonment… I had a stable, caring upbringing as far as I can remember!” There is only one scary incident from your childhood that you remember, “one tiny small incident”, when you were maybe 10-12, something you “didn’t make a big deal of”.
Following a supposedly loving, stable and uneventful childhood, you didn’t have a single boyfriend all through your adolescence, all through your twenties and past thirty. Instead, you had “flings with a few guys, but none were in a relationship with me. And none were serious.”
All through your twenties you “assumed the role of caretaker in my family… It was comfortable and safe but loneliness catches up with everyone I think so that’s probably why I decided I wanted a relationship a few years ago”. And so, four years ago, at about 32, you had your first and so far one and only boyfriend.
About a couple of years ago the relationship ended, you experienced severe anxiety and depression, started taking anti depressant/ anti anxiety medications and attended therapy. There was a resuming of the relationship and about two months ago, a second breakup. Following the second breakup you experience persistent anxiety and depression and you are still taking psychiatric medications and attending therapy.
I reached out to you repeatedly in the context of your three threads, trying to lead you to consider the idea that your childhood was not as loving, stable and uneventful as you presented but failed to get your interest in examining your childhood/ current relationships and position in your family of origin. I suppose you are comfortable enough as is. It is time for me to give up my efforts. because I figure you are not interested and it is frustrating to try again and again… and yet again to reach out to a person who is not interested.
In your most recent post you wrote: “Sometimes I wonder am I meant for more?”-
I don’t know. Regardless, I wish you well and I hope you continue your active participation in this website, communicating as well as you have, empathetically, respectfully and gracefully with multiple members.
December 6, 2018 at 12:46 pm #268139
- This reply was modified 3 years, 12 months ago by anita.
I appreciate your efforts. Thank you for engaging. Perhaps I will continue to explore that particular avenue with my therapist.
I will indeed continue to engage on this forum as I find it to be understanding, support and positive.
ShelbyDecember 6, 2018 at 1:09 pm #268145
You are welcome, Shelby. Glad you are here and best wishes to you!
anitaDecember 10, 2018 at 1:46 am #268601
I’m just wondering this morning how acceptance comes about. Is it something can comes with time, so just bide your time and eventually it will pass. Or on the other hand, is there attitudes or affirmations you need to adopt?
I think that’s my biggest hurdle currently.December 10, 2018 at 12:12 pm #268737BrandyParticipant
For me, acceptance is about acknowledging the truth about what’s happening and how I’m feeling about it without judging either as good or bad. Sometimes it helps to actually say it out loud like “I’m sad because he’s chosen not to be with me” and then becoming aware of how your mind/body responds to that. Breathe, and focus on where in your body you feel the pain/tension not with the purpose of getting rid of it but to just feel it and understand that it won’t kill you, that it’s perfectly okay and normal to feel this way, that you are just fine.
BDecember 11, 2018 at 1:52 am #268809
Thanks so much for the advice, I will certainly give that a go. I suppose in some ways I’m still in denial about what the truth of the situation is, but perhaps if I say it, even if I don’t believe it, it will sink in and I will learn acceptance.