Hello Foxtree,

I hope you have got some sleep and wake up feeling slightly better. Birthday plus this time of year can be really tough.

Firstly, I just wanted to emphasise that you arent alone. Most people have felt how you bave felt. I personally have not cared if I lived or died – which sounds similar to you driving without your seatbelt on and leaving it to chance. This was because I was either feeling very emotional or very numb so in some way it was me trying to feel something by being reckless. It can also feel like the world is indifferent so leaving it to fate is like wanting a sign someone, somehwere cares. I know that feeling. Do you speak to a therapist? Mine has been really helpful in understand myself better and why I do certain things so they may help you too? Its no cure but day-day it can help. I also try and ignore my thoughts/brain when I am crying/upset as although the thought seem SO real and so strong at the time, give a few days and the world can feel a bit brighter. Easier said than done though. Do you feel you have purpose/meaning outside of your daughter and dog? Eg in your job, hobbies etc?

I think christmas is a hard time. Even those families we think we envy eg the ones you may see walking down the street or in commercials, probably have hidden tensions etc. What you see isnt always how it is. But the pressure at this time of year to have that can make it all seem worse so I can relate to your loneliness. What is your daughter doing for christmas? If she is with her dad maybe you could plan to be around people on that day? Like volunteer at a homeless shelter or take your dog for a walk around people like a park?

As for pushing people away-I think again everyone has done that too at some point. Maybe you could tentatively reach out to 1 od 2 and see if you can reconnect? Or perhaps try to do a hobby either with your daughter and other mums or maybe with your dog to make new friends? I think it can be difficult to make friends as an adult (although aquaintences are easier in my experience!).

I wanted to write as I felt my heart go out to you on reading your post. I just want to say that you aren’t alone. Depression is really really tough and can make life feel meaningless and so hard so you are doing well just to get out of bed and attend to your daughter. You are still fighting the fight every sday and thats admirable and strong! 🙂 I can understand how hard that can be. My therapist also highlighted for me to try and see the joy in the little things eg good coffee, a smile etc. It felt like so little, and certainly not joy, more like a mildly okay feeling, but I am told joy can come.

For three years I woke up every day and hoped i would feel differently eg not lifeless, sad etc and what has helped me most is getting a dog like you did and also anti depressants as for the first time i felt hope and more energy-which was a very strange but nice feeling so maybe they can help?

I feel powerless writing this as I imagine you bave tried alot of these things and have tried self help too. It seems unfair that every day requires willpower, motivation and energy when sometimes fighting the fight one day can be exhausting enough. But you do matter- in a wider way than your daughter and dog – this forum is evidence of that and I wish we could sit down, have a cup of tea and chat or walk your dog together and put the world to rights. Please take good care of yourself x