First, I want to congratulate you on your making a decision to better yourself and going to therapy to help! That says a lot about you and I hope you feel proud of yourself for that because it’s definitely a great thing.

I’m pretty sure my ex-boyfriend did what you think your wife might now be doing… he was miserable in general, he wasn’t happy with his job, his health, his level of success, etc., but it seems he blamed me and our relationship for his unhappiness rather than everything else, thinking everything could change if he was by himself or even with someone else, then he would be happy… but people can’t find true, lasting happiness from outside sources. Any happiness found that way is temporary.

So anyway, it sort of sounds like your wife also might be struggling with how her life changed after the kids, too, not just any frustration she may have had with you, especially if she’s talking about wanting to find herself…. but she isn’t going to find whatever it is she’s looking for outside of herself. She needs to learn to BE the things she thinks she needs to look for because finding those things in someone else is only temporary (especially inspiration… she needs to figure out how to inspire herself). It might actually be beneficial for her to go to therapy, as well, especially since she’s being hostile and nasty. That tells me there’s more there to her feelings that she needs to work through.

It doesn’t sound like there was really any sort of betrayal that got in the way and instead it was just life stressing you both out and pulling you apart, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come back together again.  I also think it’s quite normal that her feeling haven’t completely changed since you’ve turned yourself around, because those things take time… QUALITY time. She fell in love with you for a reason, so she just needs to be reminded of that reason. You’re going to have to treat it like you’re trying to win her all over again with the dates and whatever else you did to win her heart the first time. That love is still in there somewhere, it just needs to be reactivated.

Do you think she would ever consider marriage counseling? Marriage is a commitment made to work through anything, including falling out of love, so even if she isn’t sure whether or not she wants to work through things, it’s worth a shot to at least try and see how things go, especially with kids involved.  I have been coparenting a split home for 13 years now, and it is NOT fun or easy. So at the very least, hopefully she will at least try for the kids. That’s so important.