Dear noname:

I re-read your recent post. You wrote there: “I saw this holiday break in the same way, an opportunity to observe myself and family functioning”. I will make my own observation based on this recent post of yesterday:

1. Your father still, as before, “can go from playful to a fit of rage in seconds” but he doesn’t punch you and knock you out like he did when you were 16 because now “he is limited to rolling around the garage in an office chair because of his injury”, so he can’t get up from his chair and hit you. He probably, when not injured, has a feel for his age progressing, being an older man while you are a younger man, which means he may not win if he  tries to punch him… maybe you will block his punch. Maybe punch him and no one wants to be punched.

2. You are still trying to understand your father: “He is very rigid in his thinking… he is resistant… He is extremely anxious… His overly cluttered garage and house are a direct representation of the inside of his mind… his inability to sit with himself is directly related to his anger outbursts over the years”.

2. You are still trying to teach him how to be a good father to you and how to be a mentally healthy person, you told him: “dad I  do things differently than you…  I need this opportunity to learn for  myself and  I’ll ask for your help when I need  it.  This is also an opportunity for you to learn how to give up control”.

3. You believe you are somewhat successful in the above aim (#2): “he was kind of taken back by (your) statement and hasn’t been as demanding around me since”.

4. In your home when you were a child, your parents were powerful and you and your sister were weak children yet the two  of you took on the adult roles, then and now. You, as indicated in #2, and your “sister is the matriarch of our family she is the most punctual, prepared and mentally stable out of all of us”.

5. You “feel for my sister she  doesn’t stand up to my parents like I do”, but you and her are sitting down, so to speak, being at a lower status mentally, therefore sometimes you stand up to them.

6. You still crave your mother’s approval, “My mom has expressed to me that she is proud of  me”.

7. You are still trying to teach, fix and enlighten both your parents so that they will parent you well, as if you were still a child. You figure she didn’t realize then, but she realizes now: “she didn’t realize she  spreads her  inner guilt and shame to me”.

You believe there  is progress in your mother’s mental well being and therefore she is just about to be able  to be a good mother to you: “My mom seems more peaceful that I can ever remember… she doesn’t overstep her boundaries with me and  my sister as much and is less controlling”.

You and your sister were the adults as children and still, in the same way: trying to fix the parents so that they can parent you, still being children that way, see  my point?

If you and your sister were adults, mentally, neither one of you would be investing any more time and effort and still hoping to be parented by these two people.

” Overall it seems my family dynamic has been flipped on its head with me and  my sister being  the  adults and  my parents slowly detaching  from their controlling ways as they are forced  to clean out their own closets they no longer have me and  my  sister to use as scapegoats for their stresses”-

No, the family dynamic has not been flipped on its head, you and your sister, like before, are still “being the adults”, but not being adults.

Again, adults give up on being parented, they are done trying to fix their parents, teaching them, instructing them, watching  for improvements and so forth.

anita