Anita,

I have to agree with you, me and my sister are still waiting on our parents. I had this conversation with my sisters boyfriend a couple of days ago, he said the same thing you did about my sister, that shes still waiting on my dad to change. I try to be conscious of this desire for fixing but it is very difficult sometimes. I notice I’m ambivalent about my parents approval, it feels good when it’s there and when it’s not I try not to value their judgment but obviously you cant have one without the other, placing any value on their whatsoever is the same as being dependent on them for my emotional well being, which is a slippery slope I’ve spent most of my life sliding down.

Theres still quite a bit of shame involved in this process of detachment. It’s hard for me because I use my dad’s tools to rebuild my car, and I have had to borrow money a couple times in school from them. I know this detachment needs to happen though, its just hard being somewhat dependent on people for basic needs and also standing my ground when it comes to boundaries. Just being in my dad’s presence makes me anxious and angry, when I look at him I see all of the pain he’s caused me and my family yet I have to swallow that feeling or else I wouldn’t be permitted to be around him because theres no room for me and my feelings with my dad just his.

While you may feel I’m not trying at all with this, I am very much. My current financial situation with being in school is really the only reason I talk to my dad, and believe me i absolutely hate taking help from him. I’ve been resenting him more and more having to directly take care of him this week, it’s making me sick writing this. I did not want to take care of him at all but again I did it to help my sister out.

I became depressed upon arriving at my sister’s house last week, knowing I’m in no position to cut contact with my father at the moment. We never talk anyway unless we need something from the other. I dont see myself as waiting for my dad to heal, I’ve given up on that, however I acknowledge my actions speak differently. I very much pity both of my parents, and I help them out of shame. Of course I want to stop, I’m much happier alone and away from their never ending demands and favor asking. I got kind of angry that you think I’m still trying to fix them, but it’s because I know you’re right, the only reason I want them fixed is so they can stop stressing me and my sister so much. The other side to that is that if I have no desire to fix them then I have no reason to stress. The problem for me Is that I cant see my sister without seeing one or the other in most cases. I really miss when I could drop by my sisters house and have a private conversation about life, now I have to edit everything and dont get to be real because my mom is always around and in everybody’s business.

How to keep myself well while being financially dependent on parents who are not helpful to me?