Dear Anita,

Sorry for my rage and venting tone – I wanted to add one more thing. It is hard to explain but perhaps you’ll be able to see what I mean when we speak next.

Its that in a way I act immature and childish as a way to make my mother (and sister) happy. It was always a default to entertain them and make them laugh and feel less alone. It was a default role I was given years ago without asking for it, it became innate – not the personal fault of anyone. It’s that oh when Cali Chica comes home she “lights up the house.” I would have friends over and stories and bring my sister here and there. I helped create a life for her. Entertainment. And as for my mom – well there was so much of that to help make her happy. Of course it never worked. So his is the root of this immature scatter brained silly clownish behavior. That at this age and stage is useless, immature, and clearly something I nor my husband want around. With that – and this is huge. I NEVER learned respect for marriage from my mother. As you know. It’s all about what was over there. Not here. Moreover, and this is difficult to explain – I think I deep down inside feel guilty – so I will quickly push aside respect for my husband and instead “clown around” with my sister. Not because she asks me to – but it is a way I relate to her and also not make her feel like she doesn’t have “me.”  This is silly because clearly she and anyone knows that I am a married woman and I have other priorities too. But it’s not them it’s me. I instantly do this and almost downplay my maturity responsibility and my husband/marriage as a priority.

Here’s a small example. Before she left today she’s like do you want to sleepover. She was half joking. But in reality if I didn’t downplay it so much,  a younger sister wouldn’t ask her older married sister (whose house she’s at) to come sleepover at hers. She didn’t mean harm by this.

My example is that it’s My behavior. I act foolish. I act childish. I don’t act like a mature married woman. Instead I “stoop down” to a fun kid that I assume would be relatable for her. I disregard that my husband should be my priority and act silly – so that she feels happy and included. I do this all subconsciously. Because see when it’s the three of us hanging out it was always fine. Just like family. But when I act like this it doesn’t help anyone. My sister isn’t asking me to. And she’s younger and influenced by me – so it’s an act she follows. If I act all silly and foolish- and the next day say gosh you being here makes me all frenzied and makes my husband annoyed. Well that’s on me.

Juat wanted to add that. The first post and the example about how she reacted to the gift are still relavent. And those are on her. But in this world I must focus on what I can change. And perhaps that’s my behavior – and allow my husband some space away from the ups and downs.