Dear Mark/Anita,

Thank you for your joint responses. I hugely appreciate your input, especially after having lurked on this site and read your responses to others. I feel lucky to have such two kind souls contributing to this.

@Mark – Good point. My extended periods of abstinence seem to have solved little. By focusing on myself, I have embarked on a “get fit” lifestyle. Over the last year I have tried my best to workout 5-6 times a week, prepare my healthy meals in advance and prioritise sleep. To some extent I would agree that this is “focusing on myself”, however I do feel that perhaps I am again doing this for the “wrong reasons”. In other words, I feel it contributes to the shallow outlook I currently have. Being aesthetic, to be able to attract equally aesthetic women with “ideal” figures seems to be my priority currently. So in all honesty, perhaps I am not “focusing on myself” at all. Maybe I’m not sure how to do this. I certainly haven’t used my time well over the last several years. I sense I need to spend more time self reflecting, to listen to my inner needs, to become more self aware, but struggle how to actually go about doing this.

With regards to practical methods, I have tried talking with someone in the past. I guess I had about 20 sessions over a 1 month basis. The consensus was denial. I will elaborate on this later on. Regarding platonic relationships with women, I have never tried this. I feel frustrated because the conclusion I arrived at previously was to give this a try. Yet here I am again doing the same thing. For some reason I always end up jumping into bed with someone. I can’t ever recall just getting to know someone beforehand. I think in all honesty, I must objectify women.

@Anita – To supplement my background, I lost my mother in tragic circumstances. She was perfectly healthy, then I receive a phonecall form the Dr saying to come to the hospital ASAP. On arrival I was informed she had suffered a brain aneurysm, and would never be the same person I knew. Of course this didn’t sink in, until I saw her. Her arms were turning in on themselves as she laid there severely brain damaged and frothing at the mouth. I have always been considered emotional, and used to get particularly upset at the sight of disabled people as a youngster. So was particularly distressing for me to see my mother now a “vegetable”. ( I really hate this term, but feel it was necessary to use this word owing to the condition she was in). For 1 week she laid there, whilst doctors kept reminding us that even if she did manage to recover, she would never be able to speak/function as we knew her. I found it very difficult to grieve for mum. At 19 I had a 16 year old sister to look after, who couldn’t possibly see me get upset. I was also in the middle of my exams at university and knew mum’s priority would have been for me to finish. My mum raised myself and my younger sister, my father was not around growing up.

Yes. I do worry that I am incapable of love due to what happened to my mum. It would make sense why I haven’t been able to form healthy relationships with women. I really do suffer with the “eating into me” part. It has been suggested to me in the past, that by breaking off contact with women, I am reliving the death of my mum. This would explain why I struggle to end contact. The denial I touched upon (in above answer to Mark) stems from the inability to easily break off contact with someone I consider “worthy”. In other words, my history with women falls into 1 of 2 categories. Either I consider them “unworthy”, then purely use them for sex/casual fun, or consider them “worthy/dateable” then struggle enormously to end contact. I try my hardest to fight it, and it sends me into a very deep depression. When I feel this way all I want to do is sleep. The only thing that has stopped this feeling is to finally break off contact. It feels like a huge catharsis. I am able to function again and not feel like I am fighting against myself. That inner turmoil is the worst feeling in the world for me. I have been here so many times, I am all too familiar with it. I should know better by now, to deal with it as soon as it comes, because it doesn’t go away! But instead I try to ignore it, to give the girl ” a chance” and see if I can break the spell, but it inevitably comes back with vengeance and literally “eats into me”. I’ve never been good at making I statements, I am indecisive, but I can confidently say I never want to feel this way again.

I feel I can often “beat around the bush”. I am sure I can ramble on with endless anecdotes, but to try and follow suit with how your responses to my post were so appropriate, I will attempt to give succinct info which may be pertinent. I am insecure and would describe my relationship with women as pivotal to my self esteem. I would very much like to fall in love and possibly have a family one day. I don’t know what I am scared of. Possibly losing someone again, or perhaps I simply haven’t met the right person. I really just don’t know. I definitely focus on the wrong things (superficial aspects). I am mostly scared of what other people think of me. I don’t feel I have dealt with my mum’s death. I do not like the vain person I have become.