Dear Anita,

Sink and savor, like a cup of tea – steeping.  It takes time for the tea’s essence to infuse, it takes great temperature to extract.

You can’t get a cup of tea without that heat, time to steep, and cool down process.   No, you can not – it is necessary.

So then how can thoughts and concepts sink in, steep in, without the same dedicated process.  They can not.

It is unreasonable to think that new teaching and concepts can quickly pass you (me) by and stick – and stay.  It is no fault of mine that they don’t, as they would not for anyone in this manner.  There must be time to steep.

For so many years, since adolescence – I would find myself coming across values, goals, and teachings that I “admired.” Perhaps it was the way a friend handled a situation.  Perhaps something I read.  Most likely random delusions fed from my mother.  All sorts of things.  Some of them innocent enough, some of them quite false and self deprecating.

So I would come across something.  Say – “oh look at her she doesn’t feel the need to go out on a Friday, she seems so comfortable staying in and relaxing in her own company.” I should do that. I should be like that.  Why aren’t I like that.

So the thought or concept is flung onto me, and without any time to process, observe, or understand- it’s quickly flung back out as – “something I should be.” And this happened for all sorts of things.  Ideas of who I wanted to be, what I should be doing.

But we can not expect ideas to bounce off of us like tennis balls, and stick for good.  We are only human.  I am only human.

Never did it occur to me, Anita, that people take time to let things settle.  “let the dust settle”  — or let life settle.  Let it sink in.

Here I am, after all these years of schooling and training, you would think I would know the value of taking time and dedication.  Well, not exactly.  I never prioritized taking the time to do things in a way that was best suited for me, or my mental health..  What did that even mean? I just did them, on a whim, on the fly – it always worked out – the results and outcome always presented itself – so what was so wrong?

My sanity, my nerves, my being.  Who I truly am is buried in the frenzy.  It was buried in the dust – I never let the dust settle.  I never let the tea bag steep, no I chugged it all at once instantly – wondering why I ended up with a scalded tongue year after year.

It felt wrong to take the time to let it steep.  It felt unnecessary, or guilt-worthy, or perhaps a luxury I did not have.

Interestingly, my father’s biggest gripe about me was exactly this – I never take the time to do things, I am always rushing.  Here and there everywhere, physically and mentally.  Oh how ironic, the people who put the most immense pressure on me to do all and be superhuman and attend to their mental health, also berate me routinely for being frenzied, and never taking the time to steep.  No wonder it was always a conflict.  No wonder I couldn’t look at it with clarity.  It wasn’t a simple, let me slow down – it came with baggage, repercussions, and feelings of guilt and obligation.

Burden.

And that’s just it.  I see what is burdensome now.  I see who is burdensome now, what people or types of people.  What scenarios, or types of situations. I see them this way because – I do.  Not because of what I should do.  But the hard part is the follow through.  To recognize what feels this way, and stick with it.  To not give in to instant gratification, patterns, guilt, and “shoulds.”

Because when I do, I then beat myself up over this – and the vicious cycle continues.  Recognizing what is right, not going along with it, and then hating myself even more.

But if you set yourself up to fail, time and again – you are destined to live in a cycle of sabotage.  And allowing people and scenarios that don’t serve you, or bring out what you need at this time – takes away from your ability to thrive – it sets you up to fail.  So then why do it? As above, because of instinct, innate patterns, and fear.

Fear of not doing enough, fear of not being who I “should” be, and fear of not being a “good” girl.

Well then – perhaps the definitions have to change.  What is good what is bad.  What is right what is wrong.

Because in my book today, good and right – is what FEELS good and right.  That is simply it.  My moral and internal gauge is enough of a compass.

I know now what is good and right, I just have to allow myself to sink and savor, to steep for a while.

I may only do this if I create an environment in which I have the clarity to do so.  When I can set myself up to thrive and feel great.

sometimes you just have to let yourself steep, no other effort required – because with a little bit of time, and some hot water, you have yourself an excellent cup of tea.