Wanderer,

It’s possible that you haven’t met the right woman yet, but even if you did right now, you would probably find that you would feel the need to end it with her, too.  I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you are afraid of loving and losing someone.  That seems, to me, like exactly what is happening.

I’ve been in a delightfully happy marriage for 33 years (just had our anniversary), and I can tell you that there’s nothing like it.  It’s not perfect, because nothing is, but it’s as close to it as you can get.  We are good to each other and very much in love.  If you expect any woman, or yourself, to be perfect, it will fail.  But if you truly are kind and loving (and she is, too), something this good can be yours, too.  It’s really worth it, and you know that already, because you are trying to get to this point.

I’ve felt the fear of losing my husband ever since I met him, because I knew he was different, and was the right man for me.  Also, we’ve lost 4 very close and important family members in the last 20 years or so (including my beloved sister), and that has increased our fear of losing someone.  My husband is better at pushing it aside and just living, and I try to do so, too, but when I am down or tired, or during illnesses, etc., it’s there a lot.  It always will be, when you truly love and care about someone.

It is possible to have this fear, yet still make good choices and be happy and live your life.  I guess finding a good therapist to help you through it would be one step.  Also, when taking time for yourself, if you could focus more on your inner self than just your physical self, that might help.  Like maybe do therapy, but also read a lot of self-help books, meditate, and things like that.

I guess that’s all I can think of.  I hope it helps, even just a little bit.

Mimi