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Apologies for the delay. I’ve needed time to think about my answer before replying, as it is somewhat unchartered territory for me.
Maybe it will help me understand better if you share about your relationship with your mother before she became disabled, what happened before that tragic day when you saw her at the hospital?
Did you ever feel responsible for what happened to her?
As soon as I read this, I kind of dismissed it instantly. I also didn’t feel like replying, and it was certainly easier to find something else to do rather than confront it. Therefore this would suggest to me I have difficulty with facing this. But on further digestion, I was reminded by a book that we can often idolise the deceased , to cherish their protected memories and discount anything that would potentially challenge this. I therefore need to examine my relationship with mum more critically but of course will struggle with the inherent bias I carry.
I cannot pretend we were perfect kids growing up. No one is. But we certainly made life difficult for Mum. Since puberty, I can only ever remember being selfish. I didn’t lift a finger to help. A typical brat of a teenager. As a result, I feel like this contributed an awful lot to arguments within the household. It wasn’t easy for mum at all, raising two kids on her own. All she wanted was for us to go on and do well in school. We grew up in a rough neighbourhood, many of the kids around the local area were delinquents but somehow neither myself nor my sister fell into that lifestyle, thankfully, likely due to the way she raised us. Up until about 14, we attended Catholic church but quickly stopped going once puberty hit. My mum continued going right up to her death. She wasn’t devout, she even thought many of the views of Catholicism were ridiculous by modern standards. I remember her attempting once to give me the “birds and the bees” talk. “I don’t care what the church says, you wear a condom OK?” Anyway, I always remember Mum putting us first, she would spend the little money she had on us, always. But it is hard to deny that we didn’t argue a lot growing up. Arguments were on a daily basis. I think possibly because of how selfish we were, to be honest I can barely remember what most of it was about. As I write this, I struggle to cast my mind back to particular incidents. I guess I need to speak with my sister to see how she remembers things. It has dawned on me though that my Mum likely suffered from some sort of depression. From my memory, since my father left when I was three years old, I don’t think she ever tried to actively “take her life back” after getting divorced. She had no real social life/hobbies and never remarried. She would often sleep in very late, although she was a bit of a night owl, but from my own experience, when I stay in bed for a long time, I am usually suffering from negative thoughts. I assume she also did too considering we were remarkably similar. Same birth sign, similar personality (both got/get stressed easily) and I even look visually similar to my Mum. I do feel my relationship with Mum was much better than my sister in comparison. When I moved away from home to attend university, the dynamic changed. Instead of 3 there now just 2 in the house. I wasn’t there but heard my Mum and sister’s arguments really got out of hand. So much so that my sister moved out of home at 16! She went to go and live with her best friend at the time. This traumatised Mum. She was so sad. Even after months, she seemed desperate to get my sister back, and could not accept the reality. My sister refused to talk with Mum. I would come back for the weekend occasionally to see my school friends. It was obvious Mum had missed me. She was happy to cook and clean for me again. To “mother me”. She always made an effort to go and get some steak in, to rustle me up a nice meal. I thought it was really sweet how much she missed me. However my Mum would often break down in tears and ask me if she had lost my sister for good. She was distraught by how my sister could ignore her for so long. When I received the call from the hospital, Mum and sis had not reconciled. My sister was still ignoring my Mum and so the death must have really hit my Sister hard as she carries that regret of being stubborn to this day. In comparison to that, I feel my relationship with mum was OK. We certainly got along better since I moved out and became more independent/less selfish. I don’t know if I feel responsible for what happened to Mum. I suspect this is something I need to explore further. Ironically it is my sister who seems the stable one, yet given the circumstances I would have thought she be the one to carry the neurotic tendencies. Regardless, this is definitely something that I need to examine further. As I finished that last sentence, something I once said to Mum just came back to me. “We are going to grow up messed up if this continues”. I feel uneasy about writing this as it was said in the heat of an argument. Again I can’t remember what it was about specifically, but believe it was reference to how frequent / intense the arguments were. Something I will discuss with my sister soon.
As I said in earlier post, it is very easy for me to ramble on and not make any real point. To try and help me communicate a little better :
- “Cold women” who seem distant become an obsession for me. Infatuation.
- Once I break contact with someone who’s “into me”, and they move on, if we manage to stay in touch, I feel like I must win them back.
Am I just a narcissist? :/