Shelby,

Yes it was quite nice to enjoy time away from him. But am I only beginning to enjoy time away because I know that it is temporary? Because I know that eventually I will come back and everything will get back to normal? Because ultimately he is a part of my life so everything is okay? Probably. You’re absolutely right about the trust thing though, it is imperative to form any kinds of relationships in our life – and it is also something that he seemed to have abuse since our break up whether intentional or not. It has been a tough ride. YET it is still not a good enough reason for me to let go.. it seems with him nothing ever will be! How unhealthy and toxic is that?!

My goals for this year are definitely to continue therapy and learn to accept 2018 as a part of my life. Not something that defies me but something that has changed me and I now need to learn to accept and live with. I will also have to learn to live on my own in a few months time so although 2018 was challenging to say the least I know this year will be too with my family moving abroad. Am I ready? No. Will I have to deal with it anyway? Yes. Life eh..

It sounds to me that although you may perceive your ex to be quite cold and distant in your communication that he does indeed want to be in touch too… Otherwise he wouldn’t be right?! I think there’s more to this than just being polite. But that’s just my opinion. I agree that without change your relationship wouldn’t work, ultimately you’ll end up right back to square one. But then again I am living the same situation right now so I also know it is easier said than done to just walk away and be done with it – so absolutely no judgement there. One thing I have learned is that love is such a complicated, overwhelming, confusing emotion and it does make you do crazy things. Nonetheless, you have to do what feels right for YOU! Always!

Although Mark does have a point – we are indeed insane! I too have been in the same place for what feels like 800 years with no real resolve! Tired.. that is the best way I can describe it at this point! Which makes me sound even more insane right because I am allowing this to continue?!