Dear Anita,

Yes, I was feeling lazy today and wrote CC! Yes, you do need to be very careful walking uneven ground of nature, especially those hidden tree roots that can get the best of us.

Yes you are right.  I always think back to how you mention that changing deep rooted habits takes a lot of time and effort.  It is moments like yesterday that made me realize how deep the habits run.

I thought yesterday how in psychotherapy, the first questions often refer to our earliest memories as children.  I notice how I don’t always have a good recollection – but do overall, versus exact scenarios.

During this yoga class, something else came up.  I recall feeling small and fearful in gym classes.  This is not uncommon, during those awkward growing years, in physical education classes in a huge gym.  But the memory wasn’t about this.  It was something else.

It was this strange feeling of being vulnerable.  Feeling hurt even before the punch.  Feeling sad even before the incident.  Feeling disappointed even before the fall.  I recall only the mother voice.  Only it speaking in my brain, the child brain.  I recall feeling sad for my mom, feeling sad for this world, what a shame we live in this bad world.

This is what came to mind.

If i link this with the other thought that came to mind, the idea of having control over your own life – it makes sense.

I was fed these thoughts, values, delusions – whatever they were -as truths.  Solid truths.  Objective, uncontrollable reality it seemed.  As a result, my mood or feelings based on those were also a given.  Well of course I feel sad, why wouldn’t I – the world is sad! Of course I feel annoyed, look how bad people are!

All out of MY control, because that was the truth.

Or of course I am disorganized, there is no time to be organized, there are so many tasks and people to attend to! Its a given, so there’s no CHOICE.  I have no CONTROL over how I feel or act, its a given.

But as I slowly go back to the truths – the “truths” I can begin to see what is aligned with a good life for Cali Chica – and what is not.