Dear Lisa,

Not all relationship issues stemmed from issues in your childhood with your parents.

Those so called abusers are not as what people imagined is shown in the movies and TV shows. Many are very, very skilled at manipulating their image to be respectful on the outside. So when you first get to know them, they will seem like the kind of guy you’ll want to bring home to meet your parents. Due to their nature, they will not show you their ‘hysterical’ side until they have made sure that you are within their grasp in some way, i e, dating then moving in with them. Once they have you by their side, making it easier to monitor you, they will slowly start to dig at your self esteem, self confidence, self respect as a person to diminish your sense of self. They will begin isolating you from friends and possibly family if your family live near. They will keep badgering you with guilt about this or that to make you question yourself. They will regularly insult you to demean your spirit. Then they’ll suddenly show a sweet side to you which will make you feel relieve since the person you’re dating can’t be that bad if he’s so sweet now. He can change, he is a decent person. Only, he’ll return to the violent/abusive side and, since you have affections for him, you’ll hope against all odds that he will turn sweet again because he can be sweet, if only you give it a bit of time. And the cycle repeat until you can’t tell what is normal or abnormal anymore.

But well, most of it is speculation since you give little details of your relationship, but abusive relationships are really difficult to leave from because of many reasons, many of it is the abuser cornering their victim that they feel like they can’t leave. Many have linked abusive relationships to be similar to Stockholm syndrome. You did what you thought was the correct choice to endure and survived the violent terrain of abused from you ex while feeling cornered. So while you did think about leaving, it was also terrifying because you don’t know what could happen should you leave. Did he ever threaten violence on either him or you should you leave him? Did he threaten to hurt others if you ever told people about his abuse? Or was he skilled enough to convinced people that you were the ‘hysterical’ one and that you needed help instead, though with him watching over you? Effectively isolating you in that regard.

Though if you were the one who thought you had to stayed behind to helped him through whatever it was he needed help with, then that is also bad. Since he was manipulating your goodwill and affection for him to stayed with him, telling you that he could change for the better if only you stayed with him. And the more pitiful he made himself out to be, the harder it would have been to leave because of the guilt. The guilt that his suffering would be worse without your help, that he couldn’t live without you or your help. A terrible, but effective tactic.

So yeah, abusers are very talented at manipulating their victim which makes it hard for the victim to take actions to leave the violence, especially when physical violence it involved. Of course, it could be due to something in your childhood, you entered into a relationship with your ex knowing that he was abusive in some way. But it’s not always the case. It’s just you don’t know a person’s true nature until they show it to you.

Well, you’ll have a lot to discuss with your counselor now, at least.