Dear Anita,

Very selfish. yes we have covered it, but it is always worth covering – given that it all goes back to that mistreatment.  when on the path sometimes – in my own experience – it is easy to forget the root – especially when it is the result of someone else’s mistreatment.  so much of the symptoms we have as a result feel only specific to us, we can forget what triggered it all, or “created” it in the first place.  this is not to blame the other, or to take away from the importance of self directed learning, healing – it is just a reminder.

our conversation yesterday reminded me that – it was never about anyone else but her.  how mean, how rude, how terrible, how evil.

but as per your point, she flipped and flopped on what was important to her  – important to “make me” and so it was an endless hamster wheel of seeking.  seek others, okay check, now seek myself, okay check, okay now back to others —ok.

seemingly okay – not realizing that this is not compatible with normal mental health, behavior, or stability.  we are not superhuman, I am not SCC.  It is no achievement to be this way, just foolish, and exhausting.  It is slavery if you will.  Enslaved by an outward approach to life.

I’ve said this before, my parents now feel like a distant memory – and even my sister.  But the goo remains.  The sticky stuff.  I work on it day in and day out, like its my job – in fact it IS my real job.  My other job feels quite secondary, as that does not require nearly as much mindful observation, it has become second nature.

healing can not be second nature, or else we drift into the same patterns over and over, and wondering why.   I now have taken the reigns into my own hands.

The work this month, is not seeking to help, in fact not seeking at all, just doing no harm.

So far so good.  I gave you one example – with my husband the other day.  I gave you an alternate example, not picking up the phone the other day – which was in a way not “helping” aka entertaining aka engaging with a friend.  In a way that would be a disservice to me, perhaps helping someone else, and unhelping myself and partner.

I no longer feel that this healing path is lonely, for sure, it is a path that many/most will not understand.  But keeping people along the way that no longer fit – such as N – the user — does NOT take away from loneliness.  It is an illusion.  It is just baggage, extra weight to drag around, while I embark on a path of going up a mountain, and that person pulls you down at your ankles.  While I decide to take a dip into the beautiful crystal blue water, and that person pouts in the background to stay indoors.

Well I don’t want to stay indoors, so if you do – great.  See you later, or perhaps never.