Dear Anita,

Self focused it is.

I did have a self focused weekend.  I did notice a lot.  I noticed that although self focused, the mother voice of course is present, perhaps not always, but is there lingering in the background – omnipresent in some form in that way.

I noticed that there is the “new” Cali Chica way of thinking, that is not forced, but often coming from a place of calm – but there is also the devil on the other shoulder, questioning or mocking it.  Perhaps the “angel” and the “devil” on the shoulders such as they show in cartoons or TV – we can call it that for conversation sake.

Here’s an example:

1 -My mother in law asks, what are you doing for the super bowl:

Angel: oh we are invited to a party, but will likely stay home to relax, as we have an early morning Monday

Devil: oh how sad, sitting at home, I saw so many people in the lobby getting dressed to go out to parties, look how fun

2 – my friend on the phone mentions her plans for Super bowl:

angel: oh that sounds so fun, I think we are going to lay low this year

devil: oh, that sounds fun, how social.  it sounds lonely to do nothing, and lame, let me make sure my friend knows we have options to do something fun too.

I observed this.  The angel response was not contrived, it was innate and natural.  It was real.  But when devil reared his head, I did feel this feeling rise in me – the feeling to overcompensate, to explain, perhaps a feeling of guilt or shame?

interesting – I am glad I observed.