Dear Anita,

I appreciate the fact that despite the limited amount of information disclosed you have still attempted to try and understand and shed some light. I have been stuck in an absolute turmoil of my own feelings and emotions the last month or so so it is refreshing to get some outside perspective.

In regards to my family, I must admit my mother is my absolute best friend, she always has been even throughout my adolescent years. We always comfortably spoke about everything and anything with no shame or withholding any information – even the most uncomfortable of topics! I don’t recall ever feeling emotionally alone, I still feel we have quite a good set up. Likewise with the situation around the trauma, she knew the ins and outs of everything however this situation was slightly different I feel. She, aswell as my sister and my step-father were nothing but loving and supportive but I witnessed the hurt in their eyes. There were times my mother and sister sat with me feeling hopeless, helpless because they were unable to change anything, I felt the sadness from my step-father who walked around the house with no purpose unsure what to do with himself, again because he couldn’t help. That hurt me, it hurt me a lot to see them like that, worried and helpless – it made me want to put on a brave face and I haven’t been able to shift that since..

Going back to your point though of feeling ’emotionally alone’ for a while. I have followed some of your communication with other members of the forum and realised that our childhood can often play a major role in who we are as adults – I have recently tried to apply this to my life. So from my family set up which consists of my step-father (who has been around since I was a baby, I call him dad), my mother and my two sisters I couldn’t pinpoint anything wrong with my up-bringing. However, my biological father is a completely different story. Although I don’t think about it much now and don’t pay too much attention to it it may have played a part. My father has always struggled with alcohol addiction. He was a part of my life until I turned 18. I have great memories with him as a child, holidays, fun days out, at the time it worked as my step-dad was the one who set the rules whereas my biological dad was the ‘fun dad’. Him, my step-father and my mother were very civil, even friends and still remain civil until this day and so although he was unreliable and maybe didn’t want to be around as much as he was, my mum always made sure that we spent time together. As I got older, it became my choice to continue a relationship with him and I did. For many years I visited him several times throughout the week after school and this continued until the day I turned 18 which is when he cut absolutely all contact with me, out of the blue, with no warning. At first I cried and asked questions and tried to understand, eventually it became apparent that he just was not interested in continuing communication with me. The last time I saw him was just over three years ago at my grandad’s (his father’s) funeral. I do find myself wandering sometimes why I wasn’t good enough, why he didn’t love me, I never wanted anything from him but his time.. And that brings me to the point of my ex partner. Perhaps the whole situation with him has brought back all the feelings of being suddenly left, something else prioritised over me and abandoned without explanation, without warning.. Which leads me to say I completely agree with what you say. The comfort, safety associated with my ex are gone. It is obvious every time we are together..