Dear Anita,

Excellent and incredible advice.  Thank you so very much.

Here are some points that stood out to me:

• unable yet, as far as I know, to have a single healthy love relationship with a man. She lived across the country from her parents, failed to thrive away from them, went back to living with them and now she lives close to them and has been helped in practical ways by you and your husband, maybe by her parents as well.
  • yes, my husband and I also discussed this.  that she does not realize that dating her may not be as “easy going” as she thinks.  she thinks herself a fun “chill” person but in reality, it would be hard for a functional sane man to want to date someone like her.  (I do not say this in a malicious way, it is objective – as I too once acted more like her, and found myself with dysfunctional dating patterns)
  • and yes, my parents and my husband and I have been the helpers, the once to provide support and stability, she lacks this in her own self.
• Focus your time, your energy, your money (yours and your husband’s, being a team), on your life, not hers.
  • yes, just months ago I would have thought this statement to be selfish.  from myself, or from you, or from anyone. or moreover, thought it to be IMPOSSIBLE. this is hardly the case – where I exert my resources, physicial and emotional, is entirely up to me.  Whether or not I am burdened by guilt to help or not, is entirely up to me. Often not seeing reality (seeing her and her situation for what it is) will be harmful for me, like attempting to help someone into a task they have no business in performing, now, or perhaps never.
• There is no benefit for three people living dysfunctional lives
  • yes and yes.
  • if I go down, and my husband goes down – who does it help?
    • does it help her, no? in fact everyone fails.  so the goal is to preserve ourselves, not sink with the other.
• There really is nothing you can do for her, and it is so very unwise to try once again in any way.
  • yes, I agree it IS only a matter of time before she is in crisis.  When she made the erratic comment about getting another dog, some rescue from Asia (which would be a challenge for any dog owner) – I saw it CLEAR AND BOLD
    • I thought to myself: dysfunction, delusion, lofty thinking, not down to reality
      • My husband mentioned the dog comment yesterday, I remember now, and he said he doesn’t want to be involved in that and have to help. I said, nope.  First of all a terrible idea, second if that’s her idea, it’s on her.  If she thinks shes so responsible and mature to make those decisions, let her – but the consequences beginning to end are hers not ours.

So yes, we must prepare for when she is in crisis. and YES, it is the responsibility of herself and my parents to dig her out.  She does lack respect not just awareness.  I say this because, someone who is not functional, and brings others down with her time and again- does not see the effects she has on someone else (especially if that person for all other purposes is sane) – this is like my mother.  simply put, she doesn’t see the havoc she wreaks on kind nice people (my husband).  she doesn’t see the havoc her erratic ways have on not just herself. she thinks herself responsible and mature, and that she can ‘handle it’

well what has she handled so well on her own?

yes, those accomplishments, but beyond – I recall her living in Arizona, and her mentioning how hard it was for someone to do what she did, move away on her own and succeed.  I thougth about how I uprooted the one free weekend I had to “move her in” flying 3000 miles and back in just 40 hours (remember the story – it was the one weekend my husband and I needed as downtime) and so much more.

so NO, she leans on us, and she has zero awareness. and NO we will not be her saviors any longer.  we must prepare