Kkasxo,

I do want space – a little corner of the world to call my own and close the door and not expect anyone and where I can just be. Sometimes I dream of flying away and starting a new life but my heart and head go where I go, so no escaping them!

I can imagine there is a weird feeling at home for you. Here’s why. You, my dear, are growing. From everything you have been through, you have gained more insight and are seeing sides to yourself you didn’t even know existed until recently. Growth means change and MOST people do not like change. It is something to be fearful of for most and and inconvenience at best for others. Your family are used to you putting them first (not consciously), of ‘being strong and never complaining much’, so this is new for them. They are off kilter. This is what growth is- it jars the status quo.

Nowadays I’m a bit better at putting myself first when I need to and let me tell you, the reaction from those around me has really opened my eyes. Many people I love want me to be happy, but they themselves don’t like too much change, so my growth is irking them a little, but baby steps and they get used to it.

You’re not doing what you have done your whole life anymore. You are doing something new. You are allowing your heart and mind to fall, the way you need to, rather than putting in a brave front and pushing it aside. It’s like a Monica closet, keep stuffing stuff in there and eventually it’ll all come tumbling out.

You’re human. With a depth of emotion and just because you’re now at a point where the culmination of your life experience thus far has taken a heavy toll on you, it is just one stage of your story. There is much more to come. Yep, you might look back on this and say 2018/19 was the period when I was in huge depression, but you’ll improve. It takes work and time, but it is most definitely possible. I’ve seen it.

As for me, I have started the night school make up course and it’s super intense actually, but I’m enjoying it and I’m so busy with it, I don’t think about anything else while in class. So that runs until summer so I’m not gonna make any career change before then as I still need to keep a stable income for the duration. But I have theoretical ideas about OZ in the autumn, but I’m a wimp so they may stay ideas forever.

I’m now home and have the house to myself and a fire on and sweatpants and I don’t intend to move this evening! When are you going away?