Dear anita,

thank you for looking up the name of the author. There are some of his meditations on youtube and I listened to the “Befriending” one.

Today I am not feeling so good. Yesterday, after the walk and going to Yoga class, I felt better. But then, in the night, I couldn’t sleep. There is the feeling of anxiety and stress in my whole body and my heart hurts. Only listening to an audiobook calmed me down a little.

First, I asked myself today, if I am a slut. But then, I managed to calm myself down a little bit. I told myself that I have very little experience with men and then I also don’t judge others who are sexually very active. So why would I judge myself? And I also don’t like people who are intolerant and who use that word and try to devalue others. So I should stop to devalue myself. So I calmed down a little bit.

Then I started to doubt my own perception again… And I asked myself, if I just did not communicate well enough with K..? But then I reminded myself, that the things he said on the phone were indeed weird and suspicious. And that it was definitely the right decision to end it as this would have never become a healthy relationship.

I wish my own head would stop playing those tricks on me. I learned to not trust myself and my own feelings and it is very hard to undo. Hopefully I can unlearn those wrong messages about myself and get on a healing path.

You are right that these thoughts about what others will think are my own. Yesterday after yoga class I felt better and thought to myself: most likely my neighbours have their own problems to worry about. It would be weird if they thought so much about me and it is none of their business.

I think my own bad feelings about myself trigger those fears about what others will think. And at the moment I am very unhappy with myself. I have so much self-doubt and shame. But it will likely get better after  a while and with some distance. And if I don’t repeat my mistakes. Therefore I want to stay single for a very, very long time. Or maybe forever. But if I meet someone, I will get to know them slowly. I want to do nothing I am not comfortable with and listen to my own feelings more. And speak up, if I am unsure or uncomfortable.

But it is easier writing these things down than putting them into practice. But I think as long as I don’t date any men, nothing too bad can happen.