Thanks to all of you for responding. I really appreciate it. Anita – I was apologizing to you and anyone else who was put off by my knee jerk reactions to responses they may have left.

I didn’t have a particularly good weekend. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t very good. I decided to go out on a date with a guy I’d met. He was plenty nice and REALLY into me, which I suppose was flattering. That said, it’s impossible for me not to compare him (or anyone else) to my ex. I know I’m not really ready to date because I am still very much in love with my husband…but I’m so unbelievably lonely, I miss being with someone (I don’t mean physically necessarily, just in general). I don’t really know how to be alone, it’s been so long.

I know I need to worry about myself and take care of myself. I know that’s been a resounding theme coming from everyone – it’s not easy. At least it doesn’t come easily to me. I know part of it is that I just don’t have the motivation to do it and I still have it in my head that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’ve done this to myself and this is what I get. It’s like toxic waste seeping into my brain at all times…sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time I just let it win. I know I’m not in a healthy place mentally and I know that I’m not taking the steps I need to to get there…but knowing and doing are two wildly different things.

I know I shouldn’t wait for him, I know the chances of him coming back are slim to none, I know I’m not handling this well. All of this just compounds things because then I feel like I should be able to do better. I should be handling this better, I should be able to work on myself, I should look at this as an opportunity to better myself. I can think all those things and say all those things, but again…taking action seems impossible. I’m surprised I’ve made it this long, I just don’t know how long I can keep fighting for myself, it’s exhausting and for what?

Again, thank you all for being so supportive. I’m sorry that I’m so weak and for not always being kind.