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Trying to Cope with Recent Separation

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This topic contains 41 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Brandy 7 months ago.

Viewing 13 posts - 31 through 43 (of 43 total)
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  • #280195

    Elizabeth
    Participant

    No clue if anyone will read this because i have been defensive and pushed people away – but I want to apologize for being that way. I’m pushing my friends from home and people on this site away. It just goes to show I’m a shitty person.

    I appreciate all of your input up to this point. I won’t bother anyone – to those of you who tried to help, thank you. I’m just a lost cause who isn’t willing to accept my situation. I apologize for any time you’ve wasted. Best wishes.

    #280197

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    If you include me in as one of the people who you pushed away, and if you apologized to me in your recent post (?), if you did, please let me know so that I can respond to your apology, again, if it is meant for me.

    What I see is a woman who is hurting, a woman who worked hard and did her best to make a relationship and a marriage work, a woman who has loved a man intensely for a long time, being dedicated to him, loyal, supportive and then betrayed.

    Hurt, anger, fear are all mixed in this painful experience. I wish it was not this way for you. I wish your love was reciprocated with the same dedication, work and love you put into it.

    I wish I could write something that will take your pain away, but seems like only one person can do that, take your pain away, at least for some time, and that is him. Isn’t it?

    Unlike what you wrote, you are not a s*^ person and you are not a lost cause. You are a person in pain, that is all. And unlike what you wrote in previous posts, you do not deserve it, you do not deserve his betrayal and love being gone from your life.

    Please do post again. I want to read more from you and I will be more careful to be gentle in my posts to you, being more aware now than I was before, how much it is that you are hurting. I very much hope you feel better soon!

    anita

    #280207

    Valora
    Participant

    No clue if anyone will read this because i have been defensive and pushed people away – but I want to apologize for being that way. I’m pushing my friends from home and people on this site away. It just goes to show I’m a shitty person.

    I appreciate all of your input up to this point. I won’t bother anyone – to those of you who tried to help, thank you. I’m just a lost cause who isn’t willing to accept my situation. I apologize for any time you’ve wasted. Best wishes.

    I think what you’re going through and what you’re feeling from this situation is normal. It’s okay to step back and be alone when you need to, just don’t let yourself get in too deep of an isolation for too long because it does help a ton to talk to people and have their support. It’s also okay to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel until you get to the point where you can move past it. It’s okay to not completely accept it until you feel ready to accept it. All of those things come with time and it’s important to move at your own pace. This is all still pretty recent for you and it takes a while to get through all of these emotions.

    In the meantime, please don’t let your mind convince you that you’re worse than you are. You are not a crappy person or a lost cause. You’re in pain, your mind’s in pain, your heart is in pain, and it all feels awful. But it won’t forever (even when it feels like it will). And we all are here for you whenever you feel the need to vent. I hope you start feeling better very, very soon and please be gentle with yourself in the meantime.

    #280225

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth,

    You haven’t pushed me away at all. I’m always here whenever you need some support. I don’t think you’re a sh**** person at all. Not even close! 🙂

    B

    #280337

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    I re-read all your posts slowly and patiently. I didn’t re-read my own or others’ posts. With the exception of you being so hard on yourself in your most recent post (and previous indication or two that you are taking more responsibility than you own regarding his choices), you read like perhaps the most  reasonable, sensible, insightful and a fair, open minded thinker that I came across in a long time.

    I suppose you didn’t need anyone else’s analysis of what happened, you already analyzed enough and see all the possibilities about what motivated him. You also realize that neither you nor anyone else can tell what is going on in his mind and heart, definitely not in the last 2.5 months since you last spoke to him.

    My input today (and I have no idea if you will be reading this): what is clear to me is that you waiting for him is unhealthy for you. I think that the longer you wait for him, as you do now, the worse it is for you.

    it is most important that you contact him as soon as possible and ask him to attend a  counseling session with you, not for the purpose of getting back together, but for the purpose of you understanding what happened and what is happening. I think he owes you that. You need the information from him because what you do understand currently is simply not enough, not adequate. With information from him, in the regulated situation in a quality counseling session or sessions, you can figure out what to do next.

    anita

     

    #280355

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth,

    I have been thinking about you.

    Whether or not your husband decides to give your marriage another try, you may need some help on how to survive right now.

    1. Your job will save you. It will force you each morning to wake up, shower, get dressed and get out of the house. Interact with your co-workers (as annoying as they may be). Treat everyone with respect in spite of any bad working relationships you may have with them. Help everyone out as much as you can. Become the “go-to” person.  Throw yourself into your work especially if this is a long term career for you. Be diligent and thorough. Become an expert at what you do. If others ask you to go to lunch with them, go. If they don’t, don’t worry about it, bring your own lunch.

    2. Stop drinking alcohol. Cold turkey, 100%, stop. This may be very difficult to do and I don’t believe for a second that you’re an alcoholic. I think most people should just stop drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and will ultimately make everything worse. It makes getting up in the morning worse, makes your skin worse, makes your thoughts worse, makes your body worse, oh I could go on and on.

    3. See a doctor. Get a physical. Make sure everything is good. Talk to him/her about your situation. Ask for advice. If he/she recommends therapy, get the name and number of a good therapist.

    4. Start running. I mean it. Become a runner. Buy running shoes, get outside, run every day. Give it 2 months. It just may transform your life.

    5. Start eating the right foods. You’re down 20 lbs and may not be getting enough nourishment. This may be affecting your energy level and disposition big time. Make sure you’re getting enough electrolytes in your diet (magnesium, potassium, etc.). Look at food as a way to nourish your body and your mind. Think about taking a daily multi-vitamin.

    6. Get a good night’s sleep. This one’s HUGE. If you’re running every day, eating well and not drinking alcohol, you will sleep better. Lack of sleep affects everything.

    7. Start meditating. Twice a day every day. There’s so much online to get you started. Give it 2 months. It just may transform your life.

    8. Stop comparing yourself to her. You see her as “young, vibrant, easy to talk to, bright light for his business”, and right now he’s very drawn to all of those things, but the day will come when the two of them look into each other’s eyes and see only one thing: a weak character. It’s the biggest thing they have in common. They’re both cheaters. No matter how far this relationship goes, in the back of each of their minds they’ll always know that they can’t trust each other, and he’ll always remember that it was you he could trust.

    9. Keep posting on your thread. Every day if you need to. Don’t bottle up your feelings. Think of this forum as a journal.

    B

    #280589

    Elizabeth
    Participant

    Thanks to all of you for responding. I really appreciate it. Anita – I was apologizing to you and anyone else who was put off by my knee jerk reactions to responses they may have left.

    I didn’t have a particularly good weekend. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t very good. I decided to go out on a date with a guy I’d met. He was plenty nice and REALLY into me, which I suppose was flattering. That said, it’s impossible for me not to compare him (or anyone else) to my ex. I know I’m not really ready to date because I am still very much in love with my husband…but I’m so unbelievably lonely, I miss being with someone (I don’t mean physically necessarily, just in general). I don’t really know how to be alone, it’s been so long.

    I know I need to worry about myself and take care of myself. I know that’s been a resounding theme coming from everyone – it’s not easy. At least it doesn’t come easily to me. I know part of it is that I just don’t have the motivation to do it and I still have it in my head that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’ve done this to myself and this is what I get. It’s like toxic waste seeping into my brain at all times…sometimes I can fight it, but most of the time I just let it win. I know I’m not in a healthy place mentally and I know that I’m not taking the steps I need to to get there…but knowing and doing are two wildly different things.

    I know I shouldn’t wait for him, I know the chances of him coming back are slim to none, I know I’m not handling this well. All of this just compounds things because then I feel like I should be able to do better. I should be handling this better, I should be able to work on myself, I should look at this as an opportunity to better myself. I can think all those things and say all those things, but again…taking action seems impossible. I’m surprised I’ve made it this long, I just don’t know how long I can keep fighting for myself, it’s exhausting and for what?

    Again, thank you all for being so supportive. I’m sorry that I’m so weak and for not always being kind.

    #280595

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    You are welcome. I accept your apology in your post of a few days ago. I appreciate it as I got so few of those in my lifetime, it is a nice, refreshing experience for me!

    “I still have it in my head that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’ve done this to myself and this is what I get“- this means that you are angry with yourself, angrily saying to yourself: your fault! You messed up! You deserve to be feel this pain, to be punished!

    No wonder you “don’t have the motivation” to stop suffering when you believe that you deserve to suffer, that you should suffer.

    This belief that I italicized, was that a message you heard from a parent when you were a child, or otherwise, how did it come  about, when did it first appear in your earlier life?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  anita.
    #280663

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth,

    I’m so glad you came back to your thread, and I’m so glad you went out on that date! It’s okay to compare him to your husband. That’s normal! And of course he’s really into you….because you are loveable. Keep interacting with people. You may notice things now that you normally wouldn’t. Sometimes it takes going through a very difficult time to awaken us to the goodness in people and to all the beauty that’s out there.

    All of your feelings — still in love your husband, in an unhealthy mental place, unmotivated to care of yourself — make perfect sense to me. Just keep getting out of bed, showering, and getting yourself into work each day….oh, I forgot, and brushing/flossing too :).

    Stick to the basics for now. You’re doing just fine.

    B

    #280937

    Elizabeth
    Participant

    @anita

    I’m not sure that this was a message that was ever communicated to me by my parents. I had good, loving parents. That being said, I did leave home when I was 13 (I went to boarding school) and kind of stopped relying on my parents at this point. I just surrounded myself with whoever was around me and used them as my support system. I guess it is a message I’ve been hearing for a long time…but it’s probably because it’s a message I’ve been telling myself since I became independent,  if that makes any sense.

    @brandy

    Thanks for saying all that. I’m trying, I just wish I was better at this. My days are so all over the place (emotionally) it’s exhausting. I’m still trying to find ways to keep myself busy in the evenings, that’s my biggest challenge. Also, I feel guilty if I leave my pup all day and then come home only to leave again to go do something. This balancing act is a real challenge.

    I know I’m probably not really ready to date, but I feel like I need the attention. That said, I also don’t want to lead anyone on or let anyone down… I feel like I literally question every decision that I make and constantly am second guessing myself, I don’t like it!

    My job is forcing me to be very social lately, which is probably a good thing for me, because otherwise I’d be having as little interaction with other people as possible. I did have an odd encounter today at work where an intern asked me about my relationships status (we were riding to and from an event) and all I said is “my situation is complicated right now and I’ll leave it at that.” No one at work knows my situation because when I interviewed, my husband and I were still together, but now we’re not. It’s definitely an odd situation to be in…

    #280961

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth,

    I think, most of all, it’s important to be patient with yourself and the time it takes to feel better. I say give yourself at least a solid year to work through everything, possibly longer given the duration of time you two were together, but it may take even less than that. There’s no way to know, so just try not to get too upset with yourself for not being where you want to be emotionally yet. This stuff takes time, and it’s okay that you aren’t feeling 100% yet. You’ve been through a big ordeal.

    It’s definitely good that your job is forcing you to be social though. Getting out and talking people has been proven to improve mood so I’m sure it’s doing you some good, even when you’d rather not interact with anyone. When I was first trying to get through my heartbreak, I’d often get out to see local bands play as much as possible because listening to live music makes me feel really good. Sometimes that would be the ONLY time I’d feel good. So if you notice that any certain activity makes you feel happy, try to do more of that, even when you don’t feel like it. And attention-wise, when you’re not ready to date yet (which is totally understandable in my opinion), just going out on the town, flirting, feeling that attention, and then going home and getting a good night’s rest works wonders. Also, fill a desire for attention in other ways, like by meeting new friends and deepening relationships with like-minded people (that you can meet if you find any hobbies you enjoy that meet in groups). I know that might not be something you feel like doing right now, and that’s okay, but it’s an idea.

    • This reply was modified 7 months ago by  Valora.
    #281037

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elizabeth:

    The message “I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’ve done this to myself and this is what I get”, you wrote about this message: “I guess it is a message I’ve been hearing for a long time”- by whom?

    “but it’s probably because it’s a message I’ve been telling myself since I became independent, if that makes sense”-

    It will probably make sense to me once I understand what you meant in this sentence.

    If you want to answer the question I presented to you in this post and if you want to explain to me what you meant by the line I quoted from you in this post, please do.

    I believe that examining this message is necessary for your well being and I will be glad to examine this message further with you.

    anita

    #281045

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Elizabeth,

    You are welcome. I like everything Valora posted and I will add that I have a dog myself so I totally get the guilt you describe, and I think it’s a good thing that no one at your work knows your situation. It’s still all so new, and it’s nobody’s business anyway. Keep everything professional at work is my advice. 🙂

    You make so much sense to me, and I think you’re a really good person.

    B

Viewing 13 posts - 31 through 43 (of 43 total)

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