Dear Anita:

I do not have any memory of him.  I’m in my mid 20’s currently.

I’ve struggled with anxiety/depression/insomnia since I was approximately 15. Going to therapy never stuck (I’m stubborn, and can admit it haha) but I prefer finding my own answers to my questions. So when I wonder why were here as humans, and what our purpose as individuals may be, I read. Complete Conversations with God was the first book I read to really delve into my own understanding of reality. Then the Tao Te Ching, and The Alchemist, and then books on cognitive behavior therapy (and practice) have helped me in a big way. I just keep digging and trying to understand myself and what life is.

I questioned my family about my father when I was younger (until approx 12), but it was always felt that it hurt them deeply, so I kinda stopped asking about him. I also realized that knowing about him isn’t what I wanted, I wanted to know him personally.

I’ve kinda notice this manifest within my adult life with how personally I take other men’s (coworkers, family friends) opinions of me. I like who I am as a person, when I stop and think about it, but I can quickly start down a negative train of thought simply because I can’t get some other guy’s admiration/respect. I can make the connections with how this is all happening, but I just cannot think of the right way to manage those feelings.

Sometimes I can understand the situation clearly, and know that there is nothing I can do. Sometimes I can’t get past that incomplete feeling I hold. I don’t want to forget about him or anything like that, I just don’t want to have this as a subconscious anchor, something I let hold me back because I have no control over it. I want to find a healthier place from how I react.

Thank you.