Dear Rachel,

You are rationalizing your emotional issues. The clue was in the fact you are very intent on ‘fixing’ yourself because you feel that there is something wrong with you, because you were told, again and again, that there is something wrong with you. Starting from your family to your past abusive ex, you’ve been conditioned to become the mood maker, the helper, the cleaner, etc. You were taught at a young age by your parents that if your desired for affection is to be reciprocated, then you must do whatever it is that will please them, even at their cruelest, because they are your parents and you desperately wanted their approval, their love, their care. You were taught that ‘love’ is conditional, that you must be something or do something for someone, for them, to love you. But the thing was, no matter what you did, they never once approved nor validate your right to existence. Your actions were met with scorn while your voice, your thoughts and opinions, were disregarded as nonsense. So you learned to be complacent, never overstepping, because that was the role your parents assigned to you. Because even if they were shouting at you, at least they were looking at you.

Now, you’re looking for a solution to the broken dam that is your emotions. Since your childhood didn’t afford a safe space to explore the human spectrum of emotions, it’s not surprising that you don’t feel much connection to your own emotions. It didn’t feel safe so you dissociated and you never stopped. Due to that, you, and many others out there, view your emotional distress as a problem, not unlike a math problem, to be solve so that you can move on. Because if you can just solve this one problem, then maybe you’ll actually be a normal human being for once, past notwithstanding.

Yet what they don’t tell you is that emotions are highly illogical. People feel first, then think later to which people will justify their actions in a manner that suits them. Emotions come and go, fluctuating from morning to night. You can’t guess what you’ll feel, simply that there will be something. And, your emotions will be with you till your last breath, so melancholia of a kind might be a frequent visitor in all your years. Why? Because even the veterans will tell you that no matter the emotions, emotions will always be one of the most self-defeating facet of human beings. In other words, it sucks. And it’s crushing due to fact that humans judge their life based on their emotions. So no, you can’t ‘solve’ your emotions. Emotions do not have structure, they simply exist inside you.

One of your objective should be to simply let yourself feel, both the good and bad. Since your childhood, emotions has been a heavy thing due to your wish for validation from your parents so you chose to sealed it since it was safer that way. But that is not serving you now as your past abusive relationship is any indication. Let yourself feel and to be okay with it. Let yourself name the emotions as they come, acknowledging them, accepting them for what they are. Let them be not a problem to solve but a human thing. It will be scary in the beginning, but with anything, making yourself do it is how the story/journey begins.

If, after 2.5 years, of seeing this counselor and not feeling like you’ve reached anywhere, that’s a red flag. Though it usually takes a few months of getting comfortable with a counselor, if you feel that even after those few months, your counselor is not listening to you nor helping you examined your life in a way that is eye opening, then it’s time to move on. A counselor’s job is to help their client reframe their perspective of their life, but if they can only offer words that sounds good yet does little to nothing, then you have a listening ear, not a counselor. You are not compel to stay with a counselor if YOU feel that they are not a good fit for you, you can move on to another person and continue doing so until you find someone who can objectively listen, compassionate, and actually help you understand your mental and emotional framework. When you look for a new counselor, look for a counselor that specializes in family dynamics. They should have a good understanding of ‘narcissistic parenting’.

But a warning, you cannot let yourself become dependent on your counselor.

Right now, you are desperate for any emotional connections because you’ve paint your identity in shame, guilt, failure, etc. So maybe a relationship with someone might indicate that you aren’t really as bad as you think you are because they need you for whatever it is you can give them. They NEED you so maybe that means you have worth, right? Nope, it’s an exercise in futility.

Because that relationship based on them needing you for your providing them whatever they need is a co-dependent relationship full of conditions of you doing X, they do Y in return. Because that is your identity, a shame of a failure, so what rights do you have to happiness? To a relationship of unconditional support and affection? To people respecting your humanity? Respecting your need and wants? Which would explain the case of your ex. To you, being shamed by someone who is intimate with you in any way (family, friends, lover) is normal; you’re accustomed to that abuse. That was your reality so anything else, anything different is foreign and scary. That’s why you dated someone who abused you, worked for someone who would use you. But that can’t be all to life, is there? Well, even though you are seeing a counselor, you yourself will have to make the resolve to open a lot of doors from the past and face them. But you’ll fall more times than you’d like as you revisit each decision that led you to where you are now. Without a support system, that’s incredibly difficult.

So you’re still looking for someone to depend on, to give validation that your existence matters. You don’t have friends to turn to to complain about this or that. To ask for opinions on this or that. To open up about your childhood and abusive relationship. To just hang out for the simple fact that you like these other human beings. So your counselor can easily become that ‘friend’ for you. But at the end of the day, your counselor is your counselor, not your friend. Their job is to help you make sense of your actions and emotions, not be a friend. They are your confidante, but not an intimate nuclear family. So be careful that you do not become dependent on your counselor in that way. Though it does help to discuss the boundaries of your professional relationship.

Being human, you will face situations in various stages in life where you question your values as a person. Humans are cruel to each other because they fear others, but most especially themselves. So they lash out in some form; some as abusers, some as people pleaser, some turn to an addiction. Humans are more fragile than they like to think. That doesn’t excuse their actions, but YOU have the choice in reaction. You choose how to response. The situation with your ex is a good example. You’ve finally said ‘no’ to her excuses, you’ve put your foot down on extending a relationship was more harmful than good. You acted on behalf of yourself and your emotional health. That’s a victory and a good starting point. You want hope and do have hope for yourself and your future. You are looking at yourself with a little light.

Now, the hard part, which is you keep going. You have to keep trying to wade through the muck with little litter of sunlight because life has an ironic sense of humor that likes to play human as the fool/jester in their tragicomedy. And human has the tendency to focus more on the tragedy than the comedy so that makes it all that much more difficult. With a future that seems bleak and a heaviness that does not dispel, you’ll want to quit many, many times. Life is not lived linearly so it’s best to not have expectations about healing linearly. You’ll have your ups and downs, with the downs so heavy you don’t want to get out of bed. During those times, you have to choose whether to actually give up or rest then begin again. And that’s hard, to keep going. So you ask yourself, what is your hope?

Good luck.

PS, saying ‘no’ is an exercise in and of itself so make sure to practice.